Should or Want?

Stuck between what i should do vs what i wanna do? Mood rather low now because i am honestly at a lost sigh. It is not easy, especially when you have ten thousands repeated stories and lectures behind you, eating and dragging you back. What i should do since i only have pw, and pw is only left with op and i&r; maybe i should start studying again? Or maybe i should contribute more to the house? Contributing to the house is still alright, but i just can't bring myself to study though idk why either sigh. It has been three weeks since exams ended and i already have friends knowing if they should retain or promote. For me, i don't know. i really don't know. i wanna tell myself that maybe i did make it, but then i see econs come hunting me down. But similarly, it is econs that makes me feel that yes i am not going to be able to make it. Maybe i should really try studying a bit right? Retain or promote, i still have to study right? Retain or promote, i am still going to take my A levels right?
What i really wanna do is just be myself, and maybe just indulge in all my random shows and sleep?? But that is way too useless and no life isn't it? But tbh, i can't bring myself to watch dramas too. Mama cannot stop complaining me and drama but she has no idea i haven't been watching anything much since exams ended. i spent a lot of time sleeping honestly, especially in school. And i am spending much more time stoning and staring into space too. i am just .... i guess, lost? Okay, maybe i am following two dramas, but it will only take 4 hours per week and then, after watching, i become even more lost and start to question more, what should i do now? sigh, when i was studying, i yearn for a break so much. and when i am really free like right now, i start to stone much much more and ask myself everyday, what should i do now? when there was farewell last week, the days passed by really really much faster... and now, op is finally confirmed. two weeks from now, which also means i am only left with two more weeks of denial before shit is going to get real and maybe i will finally know my fate right? sigh, why is everything so hard la ): if only mama just let me go for this month, and then i can just enjoy what i want because i know for sure, after this month, everything will back to where it all started, and my life will also be just revolved around more studies and orientation. And recently, because of all the bullshit in life, especially coming from pw and home, i became someone that is rather selfish and kind of can't be bothered with what others have to say or think about my actions. Maybe that is also the reason why i offended many of my friends with my actions and words recently. But, for once, i forgo mama and just on the com to watch my drama and honestly don't any shit about her anymore. i really just wanna watch my show and enjoy that little moment of happiness and forget about everything else. Yes and no, it is two ways. i became rather annoying and rude because of my unthoughtful words and actions, but because i was slightly more concerned about myself than others, than other times, i learnt to put myself before others and enjoying that little happiness i have now. But i think, soon i will be going back already. Maybe i should stop and just be more considerate about the others that's all. That is more like a me, more like a jieai. sigh, i tried to change but i am having more trouble than before, so since it is no helping, then lets just give up and return everything back to its original position then. i think, maybe things will be better this way. i am so tired of all the naggings and lectures that is forever always there, but yet i never regret what i do that is for sure. anyway, i need to stop all these stupid feelings and thoughts in me. things are going to get better right? i genuinely hope so too.... whatever it is, i am just going to be a bit more selfish until the end of pw, and let me just enjoy that bit more of my kind of happiness, though it sounds rather selfish. let things be better soon sigh... goodnight.

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