Bittersweet :')

Okay, I don't even know how to start because it is honestly mixed feelings right now. Today was a rather good day but it ended on a rather sad note.... Though i expected some of the situations but when it was really in my face, i am just not ready to accept it yet.....
I am thankful that my entire clique is promoted and that all of us did rather well as well this time.
Thanks for working so hard and thanks for being together in this with me, i couldn't ask for anything else already. From the bottom of my heart, i thank you all so so much :')

Mon: Collected my results and it was all alright and i am just glad that i am promoted and that i am going to be part of orientation team 2016. I am not going to be complacent but i am just going to be thankful that i am now together in this with them :')

Tues: deepavali, and spent quality time with da lim family and times like this, i am thankful and felt so blessed to have them for the rest of my life *^_^*

Wed: no school day because guess who has no lesson woohoo.

Thurs: went to school for half an hour to check results, and yes i really got 61.25 for rank points wow. And i went shopping with mama and bought new clothes too yay. So happy omg, collection for Australia trip increased and expanded and yes, i can plan for my fashion show already omg. SO EXCITED OMG FINALLY IT IS COMING NOW \^O^/

And yes, highlight of the week is today. For this week, the entire week, i heard so much about promotion and retention. Honestly, i was so worried about all this promotion and retention and all, like i had this fear that i am unable to make it but thankfully, i didn't disappoint anyone and i was able to go up with the rest and yes, go onto orientation together and graduate in 2016 :)
So many people i know, so many people i had confident in didn't make it and it shocked me so much. especially those that worked extremely harder and so much more harder than me actually didn't make it. I am genuinely thankful for all the people around me that actually believed in me and supported me in this journey. Yes, jieai thank you all so so much :)
And then, it then dawned on me that my class, A02 is unable to promote as 17. Though it was kind of expected, but when it is really in my face, i was thrown off guard so much, sigh so so much :(
And then the other clique, each and everyone of them posted a clique photo and left a really long dedications for them. And then, i felt all the sadness and mixed feelings in me. Though we are so different and that A02 didn't started out well, but i just wanted A02 is able to go up as one together sigh ): i never knew it was more than a dream, and i just realised that promoting as a class is no more an individual effort but it is one whole class efforts, oh dear.... And especially, kerie she worked so much harder for econs compared to me, yes hardwork paid off she got a B but i guess she didn't do rather well for her other subjects which resulted in her current state. sigh i felt bad for her and i felt so sorry too... There are so many people honestly working much harder than me but oh dear, when i see all of them crying omg.. so not ready omg..
And council also had farewell party and general meeting today. It was the very last time we are able to gather as 33. I felt so sad omg like i always thought councillors can all study very well and that if i don't make an effort or up my game, i will always be that one person dragging all of us down. But, i never knew about all these, like actually not us all can make it, and yes i admit it pains me a little to see people leaving, like i love council so much like so so much. Especially during the sharing today, when i watched everyone share and one council coming together, i never felt so thankful and blessed to be part of this family. Time after time, i worked hard and want to contribute myself for council because i genuinely love this group of people so much that i know i am more than willing to dedicate my time and efforts to them.
And yes, i felt bad for Melvin too ... Like the fact that he is really going to leave i guess it hurts me a little especially when i watched how the excos were crying at the end of today, our poor dora and zhinning. And most importantly, i think it hit jeevan the most because he has 2 people leaving council, both melvin and melissa. Honestly, i forgotten about melissa and then when he told me, i was just so speechless. He was so upset that all his close ones in council are all leaving ): omg, it pains me so much because i guess we all overestimated jeevan so so much ): he is really a devil with a very soft heart omg... Like his no chill, and can't be bothered with life attitude, actually lies above the super sweet, super thoughtful and super super heartwarming jeevan )';
I just hope that he will get better and that he will cheer up too! He is someone that i know i will be really thankful in council after next year because of his unspoken love for his comm members teehee :3
And finally, i am reaching here.
Today, I am officially appointed as the A I/C for Welfare Comm.
Jeevan officially announced it to the council during general meeting.
He literally threw a bomb and threw me so off guard that i was left all embarrassed.
Like when he was going to announce, okay i admit my heart was beating damn fast and i secretly want that position also...... BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT shuihan is also capable enough to take up that role too. So if shuihan got it, i won't deny and will congratulate her so much becasue i know she will make a great aic too :)
But what makes me hard to believe and still in a state of shock was jeevan actually saw the leadership skills in me and he saw my efforts in council and he recognized all of them and made me the aic.
The best four words to describe me: 受宠若惊
I am so thankful and totally didn't expect this at all. What truly touch me was i felt appreciated in council. Sigh i think i am being really shitty here but i guess i want compliments too?? I admit i was rather disappointed at mum's reaction because i kind of expected more. I guess i wasn't expecting much praises or anything but the fact that she said whatever i scored was nothing and that it's actually rather bad hurt me so much because i am in tampines and that i am still not putting any efforts into academics kind of get on me i guess?? And also ms koh didn't say anything about my results so it also bugs me too?? Like she didn't comment much (i should be thankful right) but at the same time sigh, i think it was still not much of vast improvement just yet?? sigh ): i guess i really needed some affirmations?? I felt so sad at myself though like idk why either.. i think all the criticisms received recently were really too much, to the extent that i needed some form of comfort so desperately.
Honestly, when jeevan announced to everyone that i was the aic, i wanted to break down at the point of time because everyday i am just receiving rather harsh comments about my studies, character and personality and everything basically?? It has honestly been a while that i felt appreciated and someone took notice my efforts...  I can't believe i became such a loser omg (i am sorry friends)
The aic came so sudden and it is probably the best present, gift, reward and most importantly an affirmation and recognition that i could ever receive this week, apart from the fact that i am promoted. And also the appreciation cards omg.... i felt so much from the real simple messages from everyone and i realised how desperately that i needed someone to tell me that 'hey jieai you are actually better than you think, stop looking down about yourself' And this is why i say i am always thankful in council, becasue whatever can't be achieve elsewhere, council will give it to me. At home, i can't seemed to live up to mama's expectations and also in class, i can't seemed to click with the people from the other side. Council saw my efforts and give me the credits and i love all the council people so so much. I am able to be part of them and yes, i feel belonged :) & also, i am always shadowed back at chung cheng, but council gave my so many chances and opportunities to shine, to grow, and to become who i am today :')
It was all simple actions but they touched me so so much sigh ....
And though i try to make improvements at home, but i guess drama is really taking over me so much though, not admitting that fact that i am using the laptop so much everyday for my entertainment purposes. But the thing is, i find comfort in all the dramas, and i find warmth in all the love stores i am reading. It is a breakaway from everything that is happening around me so i somehow got so caught up in them that i didn't realise it myself too??
But i know i also need to get my shit together too. After the current drama, kill me heal me, i will plan my life properly together. Yes, i will. But it has been a good and really recharged one month and 1-2 weeks more of fun and just being, me :) I am ready to work hard again, and quote from ms koh, get my engine started again, and balance my life between council, aka orientation and ogl camp, and my entertainment and social life :)
Can't wait for everything to get started and leaving my footprints in them all teehee :3
You can do it jieai! love you loads!

'You are braver than you know, smarter than you think and stronger than you seemed'
:)

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