찜찜해

Feeling so weird & awkward inside. I am not supposed to feel it that way but i cannot control my feelings in me. It gets on me so much but i cannot push it away which annoys me much much more. Who am i supposed to feel it that way isn't it? I am in no rights and no position to feel it because i was the one that prevented and stopped everything from happening. I am supposed to feel more than thankful & glad & relieved that he moved on and he found a new girl, but why am i like looking at the situation and question my feelings. This is not supposed to be the way isn't it? Like how can i have such feelings in me omg fml. I am going to blame it all on my 'wth how can you change target so quickly and easily' i am still in the midst of progress, stop having those thoughts when i see your face like urgh annoying humans i swear. She is such a sweetheart, such a nice girl and yes, they look really good together, so why am i here, having so so so many weird thoughts in me like urgh HOW CAN I PUSH THEM AWAY OMG THIS IS NOT MY SHIT TO START WITH URGH
I regretted my choice to be there tonight and i really shouldn't decided to stay and be convinced like urgh. I shouldn't have stayed and then i won't know or hear what is going on and then yes, i can continue to bluff myself la urgh wtf.
Was trying so hard to contain myself and just filter filter everything during dinner omg, and try to block all these nonsense away, was trying to now show anything at all and was trying so hard to block everything away, because it is not supposed to be like that. I am so afraid that whatever i am trying to do now is going to go down all the drain and then i am going to go back to square 1 and let all my efforts be just a piece of shit. And most importantly, i really really don't want to disappoint all my loved ones, all my close friends, especially when each and everyone of them has so much faith in me isn't it? IT IS NOT FAIR TO THEM TOO
I think i will just need some time to get myself together & then i need to learn to tell myself that everything is going to alright and that everything is going to be worth it. That burden is not going to know what is going on & going to continue on with his life and it will just all be me, and just be me.
I guess time is going to the antidote and medicine to all my pain, sorrows and stupidly unwanted feelings. ): Please let everything be gone soon & i really really hope that i am not going to be held back anymore by this stupid shit. It is just a simple stupid shit, something really insignificant so i need to put it all down and start to appreciate the many many other things around me in my life.
Thank god, i talked to someone about it & yes, my mum just promised to make me one of my favourite food tomorrow, and even though daddy is against it, mama is still going to do it so why am i being so bothered with things that ain't going to have a impact in life isn't it? Mama, papa and bro are always going to be here for me, listening to me, watch me spazz & hear me rant, remembers what i likes and hates and constantly reminds me that i am actually very very blessed with many many things and people around me. So yeap, i need to forgo all these shit in life and become a better person.
Thanks for listening to me & thanks for showing me the light. Thanks for tolerating all my stupid shit in life omg. Yay for you :)

'count your blessings. or else there is nothing in the world you will like and appreciate'

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