GG SA

Mon; day 1 of death-econs paper.
it was generally okay, but honestly I'm not trusting myself anymore because it's always the wrong idea and misconceptions that I have and I'm just so done alre wth....
And dumb jieai is legendarily dumb wth. Expenditure-reducing policies is like fiscal and monetary policies, those that I have been diligently memorising all these while & and then I thought it was exchange rate policy and fucking hell panicking the whole time and was trying to recall stuff that I don't know when actually the right policies were in my head the whole time and i wasted time trying to recall something else wth I'm so done with myself I'm not kidding 🙄🙄🙄
But other than, finished writing inflation and really hope that inflation will be able to help me up because it was for the very first time in history I actually finished writing one essay omg sigh :((
And then case study, someone kill the hell out of me right now :-) had panic attack at the start of the paper so didn't understand or comprehend the extracts and tables and all. And then finally calm myself down and probably wrote shit oh well urgh (what's new right actually)
And then the entire time, brain being a bitch and was not focusing but I had ten thousand thoughts run fin around at the same time. I was trying to recall econs shit vs distractions like songs playing (frozen what even) & a nalan oh dear god. Omg I need to stop talking to him this week or else I'm going to be gg for all the remaining papers fml.
So it was a battle between econs recalling vs non-existent shit in life sigh fml....
Maths and geo tmr, double the trouble. Physical geo is pathetic af not even kidding urgh. Need to revise human geo & maths also....
And let me be able to sleep tonight please.....had so much trouble trying to sleep last night urgh urgh
Okay, going to nap & back to studying....
bye for now friends :-(
🍇🍇: & actually I found out that nalan is very distracting omg...like I can't focus and then I will keep on thinking about him and also the stuff we did together omg, like I can't even focus during exams wth...no wonder I can't date or have someone I like in education years, it will legit screw me up so much. Like shows and drama are tempting af but I kind of learn to not let it affect me so much, but this kind of distractions never experienced before so it's extra distracting oh god. Mama and papa of course don't know luh. Can't even imagine what will happened if they know tbh oh well....
And yeah, he received an email saying that his scholarship interview is next week, on his birthday. And successful, he will be flying to overseas. Don't really know how to feel because I feel oddly weird & then like its a weird kind of feeling. Oh well, lmao. Retarded much. But still, hoping that he will do well & then he will be eventually flying to overseas to finish his studies :)
And yeah, I'm going to be good :)
& yeah, talked to steph also omg. Wow, I'm really surprised that steph is good in this area omy, like her advices and words are super powerful and she speak all the real shit. Like I really felt so much better & all my worries and concern are somehow or another cleared omg, it's really amazing. And then I told her abt this relationship being unstable af, considering the fact that we build it out of nothing but then she just said that relationship is a trial and error process omg. And that she really said so many mature stuff that I don't feel that pessimistic or actually doubtful about everything omg. Idk man, I really don't know. I kind of wanna take a try (steph encourage me to do so) but then chuken and weiran warned me so much that I'm being really skeptical about it (based on my emotional & withdrawal side + the inability to settle this kind of shit on my own).
Honestly, I can really say that this relationship is quite bleak and there's so so, just so many uncertainty lying in front of us & the amount of challenges we have to brace through and work on is even more crazy...if we really want to be together, a lot of hardwork is required. I don't know if it's possible or is it even practical or realistic...
This's so hard omg like so hard...& I can't pull back right now, because I already gave him hints & hopes. There's no turning back right now. All I can do right now is to twitch my attitude and mindset. And hope that all my (or rather our) efforts are going to work out and that, I'm not on the wrong track. Because the more I step in, the more I'm unable to get out & the harder it will be for me to get up eventually. So, slowly, taking really really baby steps, & honestly jieai, YOU NEED TO STOP SPECULATING THINGS OMG !!!!!!!!!!

Tues; died dead dieded whatever you can think of seriously. brain fried and drained not kidding omg ;-( but so thankful because today finally ended. Honestly, geo was surprisingly okay .....(though I lost 12 marks alre??) HAHAHAHAHA
Like somehow though some stuff I didn't study, manage to wrote some stupid shit?? Really praying that human will do okay so that can literally offset my score for physical. physical was i don't even know how to say it lmao I swear. Wrote some shit for human & physical is so screwed lmao. Sigh, I don't really know how to explain the current mindset I have of geo because it's oddly alright but then it somehow shouldn't be the right feeling considering the fact that I faked it up so much??? Hahaha, anyway going home to bed & running man yes that's the way to go!!!!!
Wah, I thought I will die for maths what the freaking hack omg. It's so stupid and I just felt so drained from maths not kidding. What happened to increasing the level of difficulty a bit? My brain cells died so much & I thought this time legit aiming to pass only wth???? It's quite disappointing for maths but sigh and then probably the very first time I left blanks for maths and then I just felt so sian about maths sigh pie ):
So freaking tired today I swear omg, I need my sleep please friends.
🍇🍇: somehow, we just became each other motivation & distraction 😛😛
So freaking distracted by him but oh well hahahah. He's my motivation because he legit did so well and I'm just like 🙃🙃🙃 and then I really wanna kind of close up our gap & don't feel too much of a difference between us (no way is he going to know abt it)
And I honestly don't know what's good in me and then I become his motivation for his interview (since we are meeting up next week) & ns 😛
So yeah, we are very distracted by each other because he said he can't stop thinking about me & he never think of someone so much before (oh well) & since I'm the same as well fml (nope, he won't know abt it too, but kind of alre fml???)
So yeah, idk what's lying before us & maybe things might not eventually work out, but I kind of don't wanna let this chance slip as well, so I think lets just take a step at a time at how it goes :)
At least for now, I'm happy and I really can't stop giggling a lot from time to time sigh ☺️☺️

Wed; stay-home day. And technically should be my most productive day (but of course as usual, it didn't happened??) HAHAHAHA
So I went to library to study but omg, I really think I'm not suitable for the library wth, I can't study for nuts there omg. And I only read like 2 proses out of 15 oh dear god omg... And then when I came home, I was freaking restless & not much studying was done as well omg.... But thankfully, at least I read like 10 out of 15???? But lmao, I wrote those that I studied way before, during the holidays what even.
And I slept at 3 yay, and woke up the next day at 11 😌😌
🍇🍇: he asked me if I ever been to uss & he thought that I don't wanna go anymore since I went but the thing is, I really wanted to uss again once more but then it's like the plans keep on cannot happened omg.... So yeah, now that he said it, we agreed to go uss together once :)
But holy frick, and I just told Hidayah that, my dream is to go uss with my boyfriend & if we really go there already, it means we legit different level already & look what happened :-) HAHAHAHAH

Thurs; CELEBRATE THE END OF SA FRIENDS OMG YES YES YES 🎉🎉🎉
chi paper in the afternoon and I woke up at 11, but woke up multiple times and there were all in shock so I'm just like hahahaha :-) it's just so bad la wth.
But omg thankfully, chi was not as bad as I thought??? Like surprisingly wth. I thought I won't be left with much options considering the stuff I studied but omg, and I wrote two 茶馆 questions lmao, kind of part of the plan, and kind of not. Like my initial pick wasn't 茶馆, and when I first saw the questions, I internally just died please omg...like this time, chi also gg alre please...but as I continued, I could actually think of damn answers and then I could write some stuff omg so surprising???
But idk why, this SA, all my gut feelings are oddly alright & tbh, this probably means that everything is going to be bad sigh pie ):
I just pray I legit can pass all my subjects omg please please !!!!!!!!
& I went home with Joel, ate dinner as well. It was a good conclusion to the end of SA and the end of this week as well :) told him about nalan perspective of him too & had a good laugh the evening :)
🍇🍇: he texted me at 2plus but he didn't know my paper was in the afternoon. Replied him after chi & then he asked me random stuff, and yeah when I told him I'm with my friends. He started becoming the second mum and went, 几个人，男的女的 and etc. And instantly, I just felt so uncomfortable omg...it's like, please don't becoming my mum & please don't start those kind of things omg...and the best part is, we are still at this stage, just don't start yet please. Like he said he was kidding but I don't feel it that way?? He legit wanted me to answer those questions??? And it was probably the very first time, I didn't wanted to text him the entire day & I just didn't wanna say much also omg...
So yeah, and I left him halfway through the convo and only continued when I reached home omg... It was nothing much la because it was random talking & then I told him just be himself during interview, and then he said he's going to imagine me as one of the panelist because it's going to help him hahah. And he kept on continuing that he can't stop thinking of me lmao (he probably don't know that this's happening to me too oh well) and then it's hard to not think of me (send help guys hahaha) & finally in the night, so hard to send him off to bed I swear 😛😛 but idk, he was being extra cheesy tonight wow hahah, and I like the fact that those things are growing on me and it's like I don't cringe anymore and I learn to say something too hahaha. But yeah, oh well :)
And I talked to Joel abt Alan also today omg so happy about this teehee.
Currently so far, the most deep talk I ever had abt Alan are with chuken, weiran, steph & now probably joel too :)
Alan probably hates Joel alre but oh well, just like how it applies to mum and chuken, I'm not going to give up this friendship with joel, so I guess you need to overcome it oh well. And seriously, stop being jealous over something that's non-existent luh!!! 😂😂 HAHAHAHAHAAH

Fri; GOOD FRIDAY 🎉🎉
Thankful for this break but it was stay-home day & was supposed to have so much fun but ended up finish copying one essay?? oh well...
& went Cycling too, 3 freaking hours, and even met school people...what even..& they saw me as well, and even shouted, 'omg its jieai, jieai eh' and I just internally wanted to do die so much like freak!!! Why am I seeing people I know when I'm super lapsup genius freak !!!!!!!!!!
Oh, and he didn't text, and I just felt so glad omg.

Sat; boring day again but actually, I watched my dots & I am freaking at ep5 right now??? omg gg legit cannot let mama know man, but freak la bc I kind of watched some of the scenes online alre, so I expected a lot and then I kind of don't feel the excitement when I saw those scenes stupid me I swear 😢😢
🍇🍇: random thoughts; after him asking for my whereabouts on thurs, honestly he said its joking, freaking hell we all know that he legit wanna know my whereabouts. And urgh, I don't like it??? Like I already have very controlling parents, and grew up in a controlled environment, I don't need another controlling boyfriend (or he might not be) ??? Like STOP IT OMG
It's so annoying & why do I have to report you my schedule and whatnot omg. And the best part is we ain't even that stage yet and you're starting your tracking system with me, are you serious omg 🙄
Like I can cross my heart and swear that I won't be a controlling girlfriend, calling you every single hour & checkup up on you. No wth, I will NEVER EVER do that. Like, if you are going out with your friends, you tell me, and I will just say, 'okay & have fun' and please, I won't even bother texting you omg because I know you will wanna have fun with your friends as well. I legit don't care who are your friends omg, like they're your friends, your company, I don't have a say in it.
And actually, because I'm so disturbed by it, I didn't feel anything abt his cheesy text that night & i am kind of thankful he didn't text these two days as well. Not even kidding friends. Like omg, I don't have to think about you these two days.
Omg, stop doing this kind of things okay, don't make me unhappy like that.
This ain't going to help the relationship and this is freaking unhealthy as well.
You will be tired, so am I. You will be annoyed, so am I. I really don't want this to happen okay.
It's not fair for me, neither for you.

Sun; mama birthday ☺️☺️
Bought a cake & flower for her, and during celebration she teared as well :)
It was a simple one but I think she likes it and I'm glad we ended the day like this :)

'I pulled through. Thanks for all the non-stop support and faith in me'
:')

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