Probably one of the terrible week omg sigh
Everything started out wrong and yes, i am officially feeling the jc stress. What's more? This stress is accompanied with the weak immune system omg.
For three days, i went to school with a sore throat, a changed voice, headache and a body that would subconsciously start shivering. And i officially start coughing non-stop too. It has been a while i fell sick but i really couldn't afford to miss school. I cannot miss the CA just like that, because i am not confident of my promos. I kept on have the feel that i would stay back which geniuely scares me so much that i will wake up suddenly from my sleep. Or it would just take away my sleep basically. Either way, i would just have issues with my sleep again. I am not ready to retain and definitely, i don't want that to happen to me either. Why retain and embarrass yourself? Why retain and learn all the things all over again? Don't forget, it will all be an entirely new syllabus. Why make all the learning you have this year all gone down the drain isn't it?
Okay, back to the terrible week. So, i had to serve probation for a week and report to the classroom and her in the morning. Luckily, i was able to escaped each day, i mean i really do report to there everyday, but just not the time instructed by her. Luckily, she was here today to check on me and can i say it was the first and my last day that i reported correctly and look like i was diligently studying? I mean we were really studying because we were reciting the various geo facts and i was reading my articles. But, i would call myself really lucky that she saw that i was diligently reporting to her HAHA. Happiness doesn't last long, i strongly believe in that. During flag raising, i was so tired and basically feeling so unwell and lethargic, so i sat down when they were asking for youth donations. When everything ended, i swear i was getting ready to all get up but idk, i would say my mind somehow wasn't back and then my reactions were too slow so i in the end got up really much slower which resulted in me receiving lectures of being 'disrespectful, you're a student councillor, know your limits and the dos and don'ts' That, honestly, destroyed my morning which added on to the already bad morning. Ever since i join student council, that statement which i genuinely hate it, disgust me so so much. It was to the point that i just wanna shut that person's mouth and really, just stuff a catcus into it. It may seemed as another insignificant statement to anyone of you and you can shoot it out from your mouth, but do you know how much efforts i put in for that statement you made? I wouldn't say i am a model student or a role model, but i really tried to be the best of me and i make sure i don't get into any trouble, not even the smallest and the most minor one. I have never been so cautious with my actions before. Because I really love this part of the school so much and i don't want to give it up, so i held on to all of them and continue be the jieai that honestly, not many of my sec school friends will believe. There are so many things i restricted myself and i don't complain. I picked this path and i am determined to finish it. But, i really hate the fact that out of all the 10 things i do, people picked on that 0.5 mistake that i made and then create a big fuss about it, and then remind me again that i am a student councillor. I am sorry for that 0.5 imperfect in me but i am really trying to even get rid of that 0.5. Back then, i would really create at least 6/10 of all the problems. Do you know even the new jieai scares the old jieai so much? Like the old jieai cannot handle the new jieai because the new jieai doesn't dare to try new things anymore and the new jieai thinks so much more now, compared to before. I am so worried that eventually i will lose the old jieai, because the old me was really a happier me and a me that has lesser worries and her life was a lot a lot simpler. Omg, why am i so bothered by what the others say about me? They don't have a say in my life anyway. It is my life and i am the one that determine each and every step i took. So why am i so concerned now? Why? The old jieai doesn't give a shit about all these and she lives her life the way she wants and she likes. Omg, i hate it so much. I hate it so much that i am actually crying while writing all these omg. I cannot believe it. I need to stop taking so much unwanted bullshit into my life. They are not beneficial to start with. They are just there to obstruct my way to happiness. I need to learn to filter all these people and their nonsense out of my life. They do not even deserve at least 0.0001% in my life. They should be all gone, for good. JieAi, you need to stop having so much negativity in you. YOU NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM LIKE STOP NOW NOW
Remember, you are the happy pill. You are the one that spread joy and laughter and happiness to the people around you isn't it? People like you for your positivity and optimism in life right? So stop bringing in the stupid things into them? They don't and never fit in the picture right? And they will never will alright? Always remember that my dear girl. I have faith in you. I believe that you will get rid of them soon. Remember, you do not want to disappoint anyone anymore, including yourself. You said that yourself alright.
^ Okay, we will move on from here, you need some time too.
Econs and GP CA this week. The latter was better than the front one. I officially screwed up econs and yes, i am ready for all kind of unwanted bullshit again from her. Thankfully, GP was a saving grace for my terrible week. At least, i felt alright after the paper and i don't feel like bad or negative about it. I am just hoping that i am feeling the right way though. After so many things, i can't really trust many things in life now, not forgetting all the disappointments sigh.
This week, mum and i had so many conflicts and misunderstandings, especially when i am feeling super bad this week. But mum came and picked me up despite all of us are feeling so tired and so stress, and of course, without a doubt i am thankful. Mum kept on saying i am really disrespectful and rude to her this week and every statement or response to her, she felt that it was either spoke with an annoyance tone or i had an issue against her. Honestly, i don't know. Of course i would say i wasn't rude at all, or in fact, i don't even what i had said or did cause my brain ain't with me at all. I was just so tired, so drained out everyday this week, but i couldn't even rest because of the stress from the CA sigh. I really hate it a lot when i made home even a place where i cannot do things freely or speak without zero filter. What is worse? I pissed off mum unknowingly and then i received more lectures again about being a better person, about upbringing. I mean, i know i am still growing up and of course, educating about my attitude and moral values are important. Never will i deny that, because i know that if i don't have them cultivated in me, i will honestly be hated by the society and the world already. But, this week, yesterday, 2-3 days ago, today, i really just don't want them. I just feel that it is too much for a week and really, i cannot take them anymore. And okay, i will watch my tone and actions. I will really try alright. Maybe some words will slip off me unknowingly, mum please try to understand me. I promise you it will all be fine soon, just let me get pass and get through all these. I promise to stop bringing negativity home and infect the entire family and the home atmosphere with it.
Okay, i really need to get away from all these because i am utterly affected by it sigh
Moving on, i sincerely pray for the strength and will power to get through the most painful part of my year this year and really, i cannot wait for Australia now. 4 more months, my dear, you can do this. Make sure you made it alright. My dear, you have come thus far and don't let all the efforts before all these go down the drain alright. Remember what you want in your life and the keyword now is DISAPPOINTMENT
okay, end of rant, back to reality. goodnight
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