Where should i start?
That day, was probably one of my rather bad day. When she broke the news for the first time to me, i was utterly shocked and felt so insensitive about my actions. I was wrong about the entire situation and really, i felt super bad and guilty about it. I don't know about others, but i know myself that, i should never be one of those few that commit such a crime to you. I really apologized for my ignorance that day. It is beyond being dumb. So, that was why i didn't want to look at the long encouragement message, i felt so so embarrassed by my own wrongdoings and i was still so thick-skinned about it. I understand you, you probably was like 'what is going on? why are people so weird? this is so hard to adapt' I know, i get them all. And especially it is you, i felt extra guilty about it. And i know, i wouldn't want the same thing to ever happen again because i know you're different. You're different from many many people i know. You may feel that you do not understand the situation and especially when you have so much things in you and the experiences you lived through, you think especially more. And i failed to recognize that part of you, the most important yet the most fragile part, i am really sorry about that. But, i really want to tell you that, i never regretted anything i do, ever since i stepped into this part of the school. Everything, since the start. In fact, you are one of the reason why i actually changed views about the school. I had so much against the school, but slowly, you changed them all and made me realized actually, how fortunate i was all this while and that i need to stop being such a spoil brat and learn to count my blessings. I thank you, from the bottom of my heart for that. Henceforth, never ever doubt yourself about where you stand in me, because you really and truly stand much much more, compared to many people i know. In fact, sometimes you are able to do many many more things compared to me and you don't realize that. My dear, you are more than capable that you know. And we never knew how far our capabilities can go until we decide to take the first step out. Believe in yourself more, and if this seems to be hard to be done, remember i suck at most of the things in this world but do best at affirming people. (:
And yes, there are many things i had in mind that day when i talked to you but somehow or another, i couldn't really bring it up so i am just going to type it all out. Honestly, i am plucking up really much courage because this is also one of the reason why i didn't wanna do this.
When you said you wanted to leave, you wanted to delete everything, my first instinct reaction, even before my brain could process, i actually wanted to break down. And it was for the first time for very long, i immediately felt a sense of loss and my mind just went blank. I wasn't ready to leave this (will never will) and i was still trying to absorb what you said. I wasn't ready at all but i could feel everything came crashing down. They say Is are unable to take rejections, and i cannot deny. I was so afraid to be rejected, to be pushed away from someone i truly loved and cared about and i was not ready. And i cannot blame you for wanting to do that, but i just wasn't ready to take such blows. I don't know though, i may break down. And this is also why i keep on thinking that you were going to ditch me today. The feeling of being rejected, the feeling of being thrown away, yes i admit i wasn't ready but ironically, i did it to you. What a world we lived in wow.
And your tweets, i was going to kill myself just by reading them. Every tweet was a remainder of my ignorant acts towards someone that i should never honestly on the list the first one i should do it. I am not going to apologist because i felt that too much of them make this entire thing seemed so superficial. What is done is done, so i am just going to make the best out of it. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes either.
And my dear, really just stop hurting yourself. It is never worth to hurt yourself over anything or either thing because none of them are more worth than your own welfare. It pains the people around you, really. And when you hurt yourself, i felt that i was somewhat part of it.... sigh, too much in the mind...
Lastly, i just wanna tell you that no matter what, whoever says anything, your postion is created and has already grew its roots and growing really very well, as a strong tree. Someday, i hope that it can grow to the strongest and toughest tree, bearing flowers and fruits. And this, will be the reason why school is not just about education. (:
Thanks for being there all along and thanks for entering my life. I am always grateful and never once going to deny that fact.
Thank you.
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