Why am i so vulnerable to bullshits omg? And to think i tell myself to grow up and thing swill get better eventually.... I am so sick and tired of just being there when you need me and then shoving it one side when you ain't free to bother me. Dude, i am a girl, i am a human, i have a life too. I understand we all have different commitments and responsibilities in life and i swear with my life, never once i use that against you. I told myself that you are capable of doing much more things in life and that our relationship should never be a barrier to you achieving much more great things in life. But, i am just disappointed omg. How can you seriously. I am not some form of rag doll or a punching bag, after a few punches you can just throw me aside and then leave me hanging there with zero explanations. This is annoying to the highest level. I have feelings too. In fact, much more than you think. If you think you know me, you better think again how much you know me. And i never push or get rid of anyone in my life, because i always tell myself that (& i believe that too) everyone is a blessing to life and there is a reason why they enter your life. Fate and destiny put it this way, accept and cherish them all. So what they ain't going to go long with you, at the very least they came into your life and there is a reason why they're like that, they don't just come and go, they came with a purpose and reason. Whatever it is good or bad, i appreciate them all because they taught me about life. But no, this time you prefer pushing me away and then just leave me there all along, without any explanations. I hate misunderstanding so much, i hate them with my life, that is why no matter how shit or how terrible a situation or a person is, i tell myself let's talk about it and then set things straight. Honestly, even dumb and useless and brainless explanations > NO AND ZERO explanations. urgh The feeling is awful and i never once did that before. My last words for you: Goodbye. I wish you well. Please really learn to start expressing yourself better.
Moving on, let's welcome burden chan woohoo. Burden chan is undergoing so much and then he is also under immense and intense stress and pressure that honestly, scares me because considering how much shit he put into council. HAHAHA. (okay i sound mean here) But, really it was the very first time i see him taking up so much responsibilities and making so much efforts to get things going. Bonus, teachers day is giving me a break also HAHA. He is so preoccupied with the event planning and then he forgotten about everything else so yayyy. And most importantly, AS A FRIEND AND AS A NORMAL HUMAN, I was concerned about him and then his super tense up face (quite similar to chuken before ltc) scared me too, considering how much i know about him. It was the first time i see him like that too. So yeah, i wanted to talk to him and idk, at least let him get some things off him, but considering historical background (scroll down readers), i wasn't encouraged to do so and hence i didn't. But, i did causally ask him how is he and is he very stress and whatnot. And the response i get omg, 'no,i am not. wait, maybe i am' and i am like, the asshole is here again smh. But okay, i understand what you are going through so i won't say much. But, thankfully, he was better after fri because council finally get together and really came up with something and yes, he definitely look more relaxed. Thank god.
And council, wow so many things happened. 40 rank points, it looked so minimum and basic, but omg i am going through just to even hit 40 omg. This is so hard for me, like it is so hard to even reach sigh and i hate it so much. Okay, i am able to pull through and get myself together and then make it to next year. YES I CAN.
It was one hell ride with a lot of human dramas this week, with the bonus of council issues. But all in all, i am thankful that it somehow or another ended well, minus-ing the annoying human 1. But, okay i am going to pull through them all and survive them all well.
Thank god for other people in life too, because they show me the better part of the world and life.
Sidetrack: got a U for chinese, C for geo (i passed phy geo and that is so unbelievable) and passed maths yeah.
Countdown : 3 more weeks to promos
Jiayou.
//
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Specially for you
Okay, i actually thought through a lot and contemplated a lot too. To be honest, i wasn't very sure if i really wanna do this or not. I wanted to let things just die down but i felt that, i still owe you some form of last letter, my last thoughts and words about it. Yet, at the same time, i don't want to bring up the sad things, the negativity again. But, since we are here, i also don't feel the need to hide anything anymore right? we have already bypassed that part of our friendship and certainly moving towards something that are better and greater right? Hence, i am here, dedicating this for you.
Where should i start?
That day, was probably one of my rather bad day. When she broke the news for the first time to me, i was utterly shocked and felt so insensitive about my actions. I was wrong about the entire situation and really, i felt super bad and guilty about it. I don't know about others, but i know myself that, i should never be one of those few that commit such a crime to you. I really apologized for my ignorance that day. It is beyond being dumb. So, that was why i didn't want to look at the long encouragement message, i felt so so embarrassed by my own wrongdoings and i was still so thick-skinned about it. I understand you, you probably was like 'what is going on? why are people so weird? this is so hard to adapt' I know, i get them all. And especially it is you, i felt extra guilty about it. And i know, i wouldn't want the same thing to ever happen again because i know you're different. You're different from many many people i know. You may feel that you do not understand the situation and especially when you have so much things in you and the experiences you lived through, you think especially more. And i failed to recognize that part of you, the most important yet the most fragile part, i am really sorry about that. But, i really want to tell you that, i never regretted anything i do, ever since i stepped into this part of the school. Everything, since the start. In fact, you are one of the reason why i actually changed views about the school. I had so much against the school, but slowly, you changed them all and made me realized actually, how fortunate i was all this while and that i need to stop being such a spoil brat and learn to count my blessings. I thank you, from the bottom of my heart for that. Henceforth, never ever doubt yourself about where you stand in me, because you really and truly stand much much more, compared to many people i know. In fact, sometimes you are able to do many many more things compared to me and you don't realize that. My dear, you are more than capable that you know. And we never knew how far our capabilities can go until we decide to take the first step out. Believe in yourself more, and if this seems to be hard to be done, remember i suck at most of the things in this world but do best at affirming people. (:
And yes, there are many things i had in mind that day when i talked to you but somehow or another, i couldn't really bring it up so i am just going to type it all out. Honestly, i am plucking up really much courage because this is also one of the reason why i didn't wanna do this.
When you said you wanted to leave, you wanted to delete everything, my first instinct reaction, even before my brain could process, i actually wanted to break down. And it was for the first time for very long, i immediately felt a sense of loss and my mind just went blank. I wasn't ready to leave this (will never will) and i was still trying to absorb what you said. I wasn't ready at all but i could feel everything came crashing down. They say Is are unable to take rejections, and i cannot deny. I was so afraid to be rejected, to be pushed away from someone i truly loved and cared about and i was not ready. And i cannot blame you for wanting to do that, but i just wasn't ready to take such blows. I don't know though, i may break down. And this is also why i keep on thinking that you were going to ditch me today. The feeling of being rejected, the feeling of being thrown away, yes i admit i wasn't ready but ironically, i did it to you. What a world we lived in wow.
And your tweets, i was going to kill myself just by reading them. Every tweet was a remainder of my ignorant acts towards someone that i should never honestly on the list the first one i should do it. I am not going to apologist because i felt that too much of them make this entire thing seemed so superficial. What is done is done, so i am just going to make the best out of it. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes either.
And my dear, really just stop hurting yourself. It is never worth to hurt yourself over anything or either thing because none of them are more worth than your own welfare. It pains the people around you, really. And when you hurt yourself, i felt that i was somewhat part of it.... sigh, too much in the mind...
Lastly, i just wanna tell you that no matter what, whoever says anything, your postion is created and has already grew its roots and growing really very well, as a strong tree. Someday, i hope that it can grow to the strongest and toughest tree, bearing flowers and fruits. And this, will be the reason why school is not just about education. (:
Thanks for being there all along and thanks for entering my life. I am always grateful and never once going to deny that fact.
Thank you.
//
CA, CA, CA
Finally. Ended the horrible week of my tests. Out of all the papers i took, i screwed up 2, one being econs, and the other being chi. Overall, i felt that it was alright and though i won't be able to score or ace any, but at the very least, i may get some decent marks? whatever it is, i am rather thankful for CA. They forced me to study and INTERNALISE many many facts and knowledge which oh well, gave me a reality check. Yes, promos is in exactly 1 month, 30 days. Honestly, at the start of the year, just entered JC. I was somewhat worried about the final exams but i didn't want to scare myself so badly so i always quickly brushed them all off me. But, this time i really can't anymore. I really need to stress that information right in me that i am not allowed to screw up at all, not even a single bit for this 85% of my overall percentage score, the number 2 determining factor for my promotions.
We often complain about the education system being too rigid, and that results define each and everyone; but we never realized that we are penning those thoughts on to the papers that are going to determine our future paths. Irony much? And then, after writing for the paper, we then have to open and flip through other subjects and continue the further revisions and studies. Wow, so what was it then you were writing for your GP essay again? You are writing just to score an A, isn't it? Are you seriously going to submit that essay or argument of yours up to the government and get them to look into it? No, you are not. And believe me, you will not either. So, forget about that and just do whatever is it given to us or rather, our current role---study.
Okay, enough of the intellectual talk, this is a place for me to just release everything i have in me and i am definitely not going to tell the try-hard realist in me to take over. You have had enough of your position eveyday in school, time to let the personal jieai takes the lead.
Back to CA, physical geo was well, rather doable and manageable and personally, it would be entirely your fault should you failed the paper because the hints given were really explicit to the point and yes, quoted from him 'this is a no integrity paper' aka should you studied, passing is probably the easiest thing about it.
And, yes I Passed (:
Human geo was also alright, considering the fact that there wasn't any essay questions (she totally fooled us all) and that there were many break down of marks here and there. The paper was also, to help us pass and basically to get through geo because apparently, our batch did way too badly for geo and it was to the point that if the teachers decide to leave us alone, we are all not going to make it (physical geo has 70% failure, what do you think).
Chi was genuinely disappointing, but at the same time i couldn't blame anyone except for my own laziness. Apparently the one and only prose that i missed was the Q1 and hola, i was killed and slapped right smack in my face. HAHAHA. Q2 was a predicted question but honestly, it is a definite U alre oh well. He is going to speak to me even more now oops.
Moving on, maths was really alright and our dear maths teacher really hinted all the way for the paper. The questions were exactly the ones she SPECIFICALLY asked us to study, just with the switching of numbers. Really, it is hard to fail because the hints were so explicit and i can safely tell you that if you don't get it, you are a legit bobo HAHAHA. But, thank goodness the paper was alright and yes, i think i can pass my H1 yay.
Overall, i genuinely feel that the teachers are really helping a lot and that they really wanna help us to do well for this 5% so that at the very least, we are secured for a 5%. It may seemed insignificant, but sometimes, it could be this 5% that determines your calling. Hence, i am glad that i didn't look down on this 5% and yes, i was so stressed over this 5% alright. Too stressed for a 5%, but it's okay, they are all wroth it. (:
This week was a much better week, compared to the previous one. Yes, there were stress and there were moments i was just pure angsty and cranky. But, i wouldn't wanna exchange them because my mood this week was really a much better one and i could actually call myself to focus and sit down and really just read through my notes, i know i am able to convince myself to study, and all i need was just to get my shit together (as usual, what is new)
Thankful for the CA week, they forced me to get my shit together :)
and thankful for the really really important and personal heart-to-heart talk. It was really a test that we had to go through together and yes, i am glad that we made it through the test and passed it with flying colors :)
CA ended, we are even closer to promos and PW, farewell planning, teachers' day, OGL and etc, things are finally kicked in, but i know, with the determination and right mindset, i will get through them all, safe and sound. Watch me survive all and become a even better and stronger person, in and out.
//
We often complain about the education system being too rigid, and that results define each and everyone; but we never realized that we are penning those thoughts on to the papers that are going to determine our future paths. Irony much? And then, after writing for the paper, we then have to open and flip through other subjects and continue the further revisions and studies. Wow, so what was it then you were writing for your GP essay again? You are writing just to score an A, isn't it? Are you seriously going to submit that essay or argument of yours up to the government and get them to look into it? No, you are not. And believe me, you will not either. So, forget about that and just do whatever is it given to us or rather, our current role---study.
Okay, enough of the intellectual talk, this is a place for me to just release everything i have in me and i am definitely not going to tell the try-hard realist in me to take over. You have had enough of your position eveyday in school, time to let the personal jieai takes the lead.
Back to CA, physical geo was well, rather doable and manageable and personally, it would be entirely your fault should you failed the paper because the hints given were really explicit to the point and yes, quoted from him 'this is a no integrity paper' aka should you studied, passing is probably the easiest thing about it.
And, yes I Passed (:
Human geo was also alright, considering the fact that there wasn't any essay questions (she totally fooled us all) and that there were many break down of marks here and there. The paper was also, to help us pass and basically to get through geo because apparently, our batch did way too badly for geo and it was to the point that if the teachers decide to leave us alone, we are all not going to make it (physical geo has 70% failure, what do you think).
Chi was genuinely disappointing, but at the same time i couldn't blame anyone except for my own laziness. Apparently the one and only prose that i missed was the Q1 and hola, i was killed and slapped right smack in my face. HAHAHA. Q2 was a predicted question but honestly, it is a definite U alre oh well. He is going to speak to me even more now oops.
Moving on, maths was really alright and our dear maths teacher really hinted all the way for the paper. The questions were exactly the ones she SPECIFICALLY asked us to study, just with the switching of numbers. Really, it is hard to fail because the hints were so explicit and i can safely tell you that if you don't get it, you are a legit bobo HAHAHA. But, thank goodness the paper was alright and yes, i think i can pass my H1 yay.
Overall, i genuinely feel that the teachers are really helping a lot and that they really wanna help us to do well for this 5% so that at the very least, we are secured for a 5%. It may seemed insignificant, but sometimes, it could be this 5% that determines your calling. Hence, i am glad that i didn't look down on this 5% and yes, i was so stressed over this 5% alright. Too stressed for a 5%, but it's okay, they are all wroth it. (:
This week was a much better week, compared to the previous one. Yes, there were stress and there were moments i was just pure angsty and cranky. But, i wouldn't wanna exchange them because my mood this week was really a much better one and i could actually call myself to focus and sit down and really just read through my notes, i know i am able to convince myself to study, and all i need was just to get my shit together (as usual, what is new)
Thankful for the CA week, they forced me to get my shit together :)
and thankful for the really really important and personal heart-to-heart talk. It was really a test that we had to go through together and yes, i am glad that we made it through the test and passed it with flying colors :)
CA ended, we are even closer to promos and PW, farewell planning, teachers' day, OGL and etc, things are finally kicked in, but i know, with the determination and right mindset, i will get through them all, safe and sound. Watch me survive all and become a even better and stronger person, in and out.
//
Saturday, August 15, 2015
terrible is probably an understatement now...
Probably one of the terrible week omg sigh
Everything started out wrong and yes, i am officially feeling the jc stress. What's more? This stress is accompanied with the weak immune system omg.
For three days, i went to school with a sore throat, a changed voice, headache and a body that would subconsciously start shivering. And i officially start coughing non-stop too. It has been a while i fell sick but i really couldn't afford to miss school. I cannot miss the CA just like that, because i am not confident of my promos. I kept on have the feel that i would stay back which geniuely scares me so much that i will wake up suddenly from my sleep. Or it would just take away my sleep basically. Either way, i would just have issues with my sleep again. I am not ready to retain and definitely, i don't want that to happen to me either. Why retain and embarrass yourself? Why retain and learn all the things all over again? Don't forget, it will all be an entirely new syllabus. Why make all the learning you have this year all gone down the drain isn't it?
Okay, back to the terrible week. So, i had to serve probation for a week and report to the classroom and her in the morning. Luckily, i was able to escaped each day, i mean i really do report to there everyday, but just not the time instructed by her. Luckily, she was here today to check on me and can i say it was the first and my last day that i reported correctly and look like i was diligently studying? I mean we were really studying because we were reciting the various geo facts and i was reading my articles. But, i would call myself really lucky that she saw that i was diligently reporting to her HAHA. Happiness doesn't last long, i strongly believe in that. During flag raising, i was so tired and basically feeling so unwell and lethargic, so i sat down when they were asking for youth donations. When everything ended, i swear i was getting ready to all get up but idk, i would say my mind somehow wasn't back and then my reactions were too slow so i in the end got up really much slower which resulted in me receiving lectures of being 'disrespectful, you're a student councillor, know your limits and the dos and don'ts' That, honestly, destroyed my morning which added on to the already bad morning. Ever since i join student council, that statement which i genuinely hate it, disgust me so so much. It was to the point that i just wanna shut that person's mouth and really, just stuff a catcus into it. It may seemed as another insignificant statement to anyone of you and you can shoot it out from your mouth, but do you know how much efforts i put in for that statement you made? I wouldn't say i am a model student or a role model, but i really tried to be the best of me and i make sure i don't get into any trouble, not even the smallest and the most minor one. I have never been so cautious with my actions before. Because I really love this part of the school so much and i don't want to give it up, so i held on to all of them and continue be the jieai that honestly, not many of my sec school friends will believe. There are so many things i restricted myself and i don't complain. I picked this path and i am determined to finish it. But, i really hate the fact that out of all the 10 things i do, people picked on that 0.5 mistake that i made and then create a big fuss about it, and then remind me again that i am a student councillor. I am sorry for that 0.5 imperfect in me but i am really trying to even get rid of that 0.5. Back then, i would really create at least 6/10 of all the problems. Do you know even the new jieai scares the old jieai so much? Like the old jieai cannot handle the new jieai because the new jieai doesn't dare to try new things anymore and the new jieai thinks so much more now, compared to before. I am so worried that eventually i will lose the old jieai, because the old me was really a happier me and a me that has lesser worries and her life was a lot a lot simpler. Omg, why am i so bothered by what the others say about me? They don't have a say in my life anyway. It is my life and i am the one that determine each and every step i took. So why am i so concerned now? Why? The old jieai doesn't give a shit about all these and she lives her life the way she wants and she likes. Omg, i hate it so much. I hate it so much that i am actually crying while writing all these omg. I cannot believe it. I need to stop taking so much unwanted bullshit into my life. They are not beneficial to start with. They are just there to obstruct my way to happiness. I need to learn to filter all these people and their nonsense out of my life. They do not even deserve at least 0.0001% in my life. They should be all gone, for good. JieAi, you need to stop having so much negativity in you. YOU NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM LIKE STOP NOW NOW
Remember, you are the happy pill. You are the one that spread joy and laughter and happiness to the people around you isn't it? People like you for your positivity and optimism in life right? So stop bringing in the stupid things into them? They don't and never fit in the picture right? And they will never will alright? Always remember that my dear girl. I have faith in you. I believe that you will get rid of them soon. Remember, you do not want to disappoint anyone anymore, including yourself. You said that yourself alright.
^ Okay, we will move on from here, you need some time too.
Econs and GP CA this week. The latter was better than the front one. I officially screwed up econs and yes, i am ready for all kind of unwanted bullshit again from her. Thankfully, GP was a saving grace for my terrible week. At least, i felt alright after the paper and i don't feel like bad or negative about it. I am just hoping that i am feeling the right way though. After so many things, i can't really trust many things in life now, not forgetting all the disappointments sigh.
This week, mum and i had so many conflicts and misunderstandings, especially when i am feeling super bad this week. But mum came and picked me up despite all of us are feeling so tired and so stress, and of course, without a doubt i am thankful. Mum kept on saying i am really disrespectful and rude to her this week and every statement or response to her, she felt that it was either spoke with an annoyance tone or i had an issue against her. Honestly, i don't know. Of course i would say i wasn't rude at all, or in fact, i don't even what i had said or did cause my brain ain't with me at all. I was just so tired, so drained out everyday this week, but i couldn't even rest because of the stress from the CA sigh. I really hate it a lot when i made home even a place where i cannot do things freely or speak without zero filter. What is worse? I pissed off mum unknowingly and then i received more lectures again about being a better person, about upbringing. I mean, i know i am still growing up and of course, educating about my attitude and moral values are important. Never will i deny that, because i know that if i don't have them cultivated in me, i will honestly be hated by the society and the world already. But, this week, yesterday, 2-3 days ago, today, i really just don't want them. I just feel that it is too much for a week and really, i cannot take them anymore. And okay, i will watch my tone and actions. I will really try alright. Maybe some words will slip off me unknowingly, mum please try to understand me. I promise you it will all be fine soon, just let me get pass and get through all these. I promise to stop bringing negativity home and infect the entire family and the home atmosphere with it.
Okay, i really need to get away from all these because i am utterly affected by it sigh
Moving on, i sincerely pray for the strength and will power to get through the most painful part of my year this year and really, i cannot wait for Australia now. 4 more months, my dear, you can do this. Make sure you made it alright. My dear, you have come thus far and don't let all the efforts before all these go down the drain alright. Remember what you want in your life and the keyword now is DISAPPOINTMENT
okay, end of rant, back to reality. goodnight
//
Everything started out wrong and yes, i am officially feeling the jc stress. What's more? This stress is accompanied with the weak immune system omg.
For three days, i went to school with a sore throat, a changed voice, headache and a body that would subconsciously start shivering. And i officially start coughing non-stop too. It has been a while i fell sick but i really couldn't afford to miss school. I cannot miss the CA just like that, because i am not confident of my promos. I kept on have the feel that i would stay back which geniuely scares me so much that i will wake up suddenly from my sleep. Or it would just take away my sleep basically. Either way, i would just have issues with my sleep again. I am not ready to retain and definitely, i don't want that to happen to me either. Why retain and embarrass yourself? Why retain and learn all the things all over again? Don't forget, it will all be an entirely new syllabus. Why make all the learning you have this year all gone down the drain isn't it?
Okay, back to the terrible week. So, i had to serve probation for a week and report to the classroom and her in the morning. Luckily, i was able to escaped each day, i mean i really do report to there everyday, but just not the time instructed by her. Luckily, she was here today to check on me and can i say it was the first and my last day that i reported correctly and look like i was diligently studying? I mean we were really studying because we were reciting the various geo facts and i was reading my articles. But, i would call myself really lucky that she saw that i was diligently reporting to her HAHA. Happiness doesn't last long, i strongly believe in that. During flag raising, i was so tired and basically feeling so unwell and lethargic, so i sat down when they were asking for youth donations. When everything ended, i swear i was getting ready to all get up but idk, i would say my mind somehow wasn't back and then my reactions were too slow so i in the end got up really much slower which resulted in me receiving lectures of being 'disrespectful, you're a student councillor, know your limits and the dos and don'ts' That, honestly, destroyed my morning which added on to the already bad morning. Ever since i join student council, that statement which i genuinely hate it, disgust me so so much. It was to the point that i just wanna shut that person's mouth and really, just stuff a catcus into it. It may seemed as another insignificant statement to anyone of you and you can shoot it out from your mouth, but do you know how much efforts i put in for that statement you made? I wouldn't say i am a model student or a role model, but i really tried to be the best of me and i make sure i don't get into any trouble, not even the smallest and the most minor one. I have never been so cautious with my actions before. Because I really love this part of the school so much and i don't want to give it up, so i held on to all of them and continue be the jieai that honestly, not many of my sec school friends will believe. There are so many things i restricted myself and i don't complain. I picked this path and i am determined to finish it. But, i really hate the fact that out of all the 10 things i do, people picked on that 0.5 mistake that i made and then create a big fuss about it, and then remind me again that i am a student councillor. I am sorry for that 0.5 imperfect in me but i am really trying to even get rid of that 0.5. Back then, i would really create at least 6/10 of all the problems. Do you know even the new jieai scares the old jieai so much? Like the old jieai cannot handle the new jieai because the new jieai doesn't dare to try new things anymore and the new jieai thinks so much more now, compared to before. I am so worried that eventually i will lose the old jieai, because the old me was really a happier me and a me that has lesser worries and her life was a lot a lot simpler. Omg, why am i so bothered by what the others say about me? They don't have a say in my life anyway. It is my life and i am the one that determine each and every step i took. So why am i so concerned now? Why? The old jieai doesn't give a shit about all these and she lives her life the way she wants and she likes. Omg, i hate it so much. I hate it so much that i am actually crying while writing all these omg. I cannot believe it. I need to stop taking so much unwanted bullshit into my life. They are not beneficial to start with. They are just there to obstruct my way to happiness. I need to learn to filter all these people and their nonsense out of my life. They do not even deserve at least 0.0001% in my life. They should be all gone, for good. JieAi, you need to stop having so much negativity in you. YOU NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM LIKE STOP NOW NOW
Remember, you are the happy pill. You are the one that spread joy and laughter and happiness to the people around you isn't it? People like you for your positivity and optimism in life right? So stop bringing in the stupid things into them? They don't and never fit in the picture right? And they will never will alright? Always remember that my dear girl. I have faith in you. I believe that you will get rid of them soon. Remember, you do not want to disappoint anyone anymore, including yourself. You said that yourself alright.
^ Okay, we will move on from here, you need some time too.
Econs and GP CA this week. The latter was better than the front one. I officially screwed up econs and yes, i am ready for all kind of unwanted bullshit again from her. Thankfully, GP was a saving grace for my terrible week. At least, i felt alright after the paper and i don't feel like bad or negative about it. I am just hoping that i am feeling the right way though. After so many things, i can't really trust many things in life now, not forgetting all the disappointments sigh.
This week, mum and i had so many conflicts and misunderstandings, especially when i am feeling super bad this week. But mum came and picked me up despite all of us are feeling so tired and so stress, and of course, without a doubt i am thankful. Mum kept on saying i am really disrespectful and rude to her this week and every statement or response to her, she felt that it was either spoke with an annoyance tone or i had an issue against her. Honestly, i don't know. Of course i would say i wasn't rude at all, or in fact, i don't even what i had said or did cause my brain ain't with me at all. I was just so tired, so drained out everyday this week, but i couldn't even rest because of the stress from the CA sigh. I really hate it a lot when i made home even a place where i cannot do things freely or speak without zero filter. What is worse? I pissed off mum unknowingly and then i received more lectures again about being a better person, about upbringing. I mean, i know i am still growing up and of course, educating about my attitude and moral values are important. Never will i deny that, because i know that if i don't have them cultivated in me, i will honestly be hated by the society and the world already. But, this week, yesterday, 2-3 days ago, today, i really just don't want them. I just feel that it is too much for a week and really, i cannot take them anymore. And okay, i will watch my tone and actions. I will really try alright. Maybe some words will slip off me unknowingly, mum please try to understand me. I promise you it will all be fine soon, just let me get pass and get through all these. I promise to stop bringing negativity home and infect the entire family and the home atmosphere with it.
Okay, i really need to get away from all these because i am utterly affected by it sigh
Moving on, i sincerely pray for the strength and will power to get through the most painful part of my year this year and really, i cannot wait for Australia now. 4 more months, my dear, you can do this. Make sure you made it alright. My dear, you have come thus far and don't let all the efforts before all these go down the drain alright. Remember what you want in your life and the keyword now is DISAPPOINTMENT
okay, end of rant, back to reality. goodnight
//
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
econs burden urgh
So disappointed omg. I am so disappointed at myself and basically my performance.
Why can't i do it omg? I tried so hard and omg i just felt that i put in sufficient amount of efforts omg? urgh and why is it not working?
econs was so disappointing omg. it wasn't like i didn't study or i gave up. No, i studied to the end and i just felt that at least i should be given the chance to at least show what i can achieve omg :( this is not like some other random test, omg i even performed better during non-graded tests smh. i am so disappointed. omg why is it like that sigh.
This is not about knowing how to do or not, it is more of i lost track of myself and i genuinely hate that so much urgh.
okay, i need to get over this shit soon so that i can focus on the others. But sigh, i am so annoyed and i just felt that it was all a waste and i am actually not trying hard enough to prove my worth. omg this is worse that not understanding the question nor writing the wrong shit. It is you know your stuff, but you didn't get them onto the papers. urgh so disappointing, so depressing and i get to get away from this.
headache is back too dammit
headache is back too dammit
econs, 5%, i blew it all away okay bye
//
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