Why am i so vulnerable to bullshits omg? And to think i tell myself to grow up and thing swill get better eventually.... I am so sick and tired of just being there when you need me and then shoving it one side when you ain't free to bother me. Dude, i am a girl, i am a human, i have a life too. I understand we all have different commitments and responsibilities in life and i swear with my life, never once i use that against you. I told myself that you are capable of doing much more things in life and that our relationship should never be a barrier to you achieving much more great things in life. But, i am just disappointed omg. How can you seriously. I am not some form of rag doll or a punching bag, after a few punches you can just throw me aside and then leave me hanging there with zero explanations. This is annoying to the highest level. I have feelings too. In fact, much more than you think. If you think you know me, you better think again how much you know me. And i never push or get rid of anyone in my life, because i always tell myself that (& i believe that too) everyone is a blessing to life and there is a reason why they enter your life. Fate and destiny put it this way, accept and cherish them all. So what they ain't going to go long with you, at the very least they came into your life and there is a reason why they're like that, they don't just come and go, they came with a purpose and reason. Whatever it is good or bad, i appreciate them all because they taught me about life. But no, this time you prefer pushing me away and then just leave me there all along, without any explanations. I hate misunderstanding so much, i hate them with my life, that is why no matter how shit or how terrible a situation or a person is, i tell myself let's talk about it and then set things straight. Honestly, even dumb and useless and brainless explanations > NO AND ZERO explanations. urgh The feeling is awful and i never once did that before. My last words for you: Goodbye. I wish you well. Please really learn to start expressing yourself better.
Moving on, let's welcome burden chan woohoo. Burden chan is undergoing so much and then he is also under immense and intense stress and pressure that honestly, scares me because considering how much shit he put into council. HAHAHA. (okay i sound mean here) But, really it was the very first time i see him taking up so much responsibilities and making so much efforts to get things going. Bonus, teachers day is giving me a break also HAHA. He is so preoccupied with the event planning and then he forgotten about everything else so yayyy. And most importantly, AS A FRIEND AND AS A NORMAL HUMAN, I was concerned about him and then his super tense up face (quite similar to chuken before ltc) scared me too, considering how much i know about him. It was the first time i see him like that too. So yeah, i wanted to talk to him and idk, at least let him get some things off him, but considering historical background (scroll down readers), i wasn't encouraged to do so and hence i didn't. But, i did causally ask him how is he and is he very stress and whatnot. And the response i get omg, 'no,i am not. wait, maybe i am' and i am like, the asshole is here again smh. But okay, i understand what you are going through so i won't say much. But, thankfully, he was better after fri because council finally get together and really came up with something and yes, he definitely look more relaxed. Thank god.
And council, wow so many things happened. 40 rank points, it looked so minimum and basic, but omg i am going through just to even hit 40 omg. This is so hard for me, like it is so hard to even reach sigh and i hate it so much. Okay, i am able to pull through and get myself together and then make it to next year. YES I CAN.
It was one hell ride with a lot of human dramas this week, with the bonus of council issues. But all in all, i am thankful that it somehow or another ended well, minus-ing the annoying human 1. But, okay i am going to pull through them all and survive them all well.
Thank god for other people in life too, because they show me the better part of the world and life.
Sidetrack: got a U for chinese, C for geo (i passed phy geo and that is so unbelievable) and passed maths yeah.
Countdown : 3 more weeks to promos
Jiayou.
//
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Specially for you
Okay, i actually thought through a lot and contemplated a lot too. To be honest, i wasn't very sure if i really wanna do this or not. I wanted to let things just die down but i felt that, i still owe you some form of last letter, my last thoughts and words about it. Yet, at the same time, i don't want to bring up the sad things, the negativity again. But, since we are here, i also don't feel the need to hide anything anymore right? we have already bypassed that part of our friendship and certainly moving towards something that are better and greater right? Hence, i am here, dedicating this for you.
Where should i start?
That day, was probably one of my rather bad day. When she broke the news for the first time to me, i was utterly shocked and felt so insensitive about my actions. I was wrong about the entire situation and really, i felt super bad and guilty about it. I don't know about others, but i know myself that, i should never be one of those few that commit such a crime to you. I really apologized for my ignorance that day. It is beyond being dumb. So, that was why i didn't want to look at the long encouragement message, i felt so so embarrassed by my own wrongdoings and i was still so thick-skinned about it. I understand you, you probably was like 'what is going on? why are people so weird? this is so hard to adapt' I know, i get them all. And especially it is you, i felt extra guilty about it. And i know, i wouldn't want the same thing to ever happen again because i know you're different. You're different from many many people i know. You may feel that you do not understand the situation and especially when you have so much things in you and the experiences you lived through, you think especially more. And i failed to recognize that part of you, the most important yet the most fragile part, i am really sorry about that. But, i really want to tell you that, i never regretted anything i do, ever since i stepped into this part of the school. Everything, since the start. In fact, you are one of the reason why i actually changed views about the school. I had so much against the school, but slowly, you changed them all and made me realized actually, how fortunate i was all this while and that i need to stop being such a spoil brat and learn to count my blessings. I thank you, from the bottom of my heart for that. Henceforth, never ever doubt yourself about where you stand in me, because you really and truly stand much much more, compared to many people i know. In fact, sometimes you are able to do many many more things compared to me and you don't realize that. My dear, you are more than capable that you know. And we never knew how far our capabilities can go until we decide to take the first step out. Believe in yourself more, and if this seems to be hard to be done, remember i suck at most of the things in this world but do best at affirming people. (:
And yes, there are many things i had in mind that day when i talked to you but somehow or another, i couldn't really bring it up so i am just going to type it all out. Honestly, i am plucking up really much courage because this is also one of the reason why i didn't wanna do this.
When you said you wanted to leave, you wanted to delete everything, my first instinct reaction, even before my brain could process, i actually wanted to break down. And it was for the first time for very long, i immediately felt a sense of loss and my mind just went blank. I wasn't ready to leave this (will never will) and i was still trying to absorb what you said. I wasn't ready at all but i could feel everything came crashing down. They say Is are unable to take rejections, and i cannot deny. I was so afraid to be rejected, to be pushed away from someone i truly loved and cared about and i was not ready. And i cannot blame you for wanting to do that, but i just wasn't ready to take such blows. I don't know though, i may break down. And this is also why i keep on thinking that you were going to ditch me today. The feeling of being rejected, the feeling of being thrown away, yes i admit i wasn't ready but ironically, i did it to you. What a world we lived in wow.
And your tweets, i was going to kill myself just by reading them. Every tweet was a remainder of my ignorant acts towards someone that i should never honestly on the list the first one i should do it. I am not going to apologist because i felt that too much of them make this entire thing seemed so superficial. What is done is done, so i am just going to make the best out of it. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes either.
And my dear, really just stop hurting yourself. It is never worth to hurt yourself over anything or either thing because none of them are more worth than your own welfare. It pains the people around you, really. And when you hurt yourself, i felt that i was somewhat part of it.... sigh, too much in the mind...
Lastly, i just wanna tell you that no matter what, whoever says anything, your postion is created and has already grew its roots and growing really very well, as a strong tree. Someday, i hope that it can grow to the strongest and toughest tree, bearing flowers and fruits. And this, will be the reason why school is not just about education. (:
Thanks for being there all along and thanks for entering my life. I am always grateful and never once going to deny that fact.
Thank you.
//
CA, CA, CA
Finally. Ended the horrible week of my tests. Out of all the papers i took, i screwed up 2, one being econs, and the other being chi. Overall, i felt that it was alright and though i won't be able to score or ace any, but at the very least, i may get some decent marks? whatever it is, i am rather thankful for CA. They forced me to study and INTERNALISE many many facts and knowledge which oh well, gave me a reality check. Yes, promos is in exactly 1 month, 30 days. Honestly, at the start of the year, just entered JC. I was somewhat worried about the final exams but i didn't want to scare myself so badly so i always quickly brushed them all off me. But, this time i really can't anymore. I really need to stress that information right in me that i am not allowed to screw up at all, not even a single bit for this 85% of my overall percentage score, the number 2 determining factor for my promotions.
We often complain about the education system being too rigid, and that results define each and everyone; but we never realized that we are penning those thoughts on to the papers that are going to determine our future paths. Irony much? And then, after writing for the paper, we then have to open and flip through other subjects and continue the further revisions and studies. Wow, so what was it then you were writing for your GP essay again? You are writing just to score an A, isn't it? Are you seriously going to submit that essay or argument of yours up to the government and get them to look into it? No, you are not. And believe me, you will not either. So, forget about that and just do whatever is it given to us or rather, our current role---study.
Okay, enough of the intellectual talk, this is a place for me to just release everything i have in me and i am definitely not going to tell the try-hard realist in me to take over. You have had enough of your position eveyday in school, time to let the personal jieai takes the lead.
Back to CA, physical geo was well, rather doable and manageable and personally, it would be entirely your fault should you failed the paper because the hints given were really explicit to the point and yes, quoted from him 'this is a no integrity paper' aka should you studied, passing is probably the easiest thing about it.
And, yes I Passed (:
Human geo was also alright, considering the fact that there wasn't any essay questions (she totally fooled us all) and that there were many break down of marks here and there. The paper was also, to help us pass and basically to get through geo because apparently, our batch did way too badly for geo and it was to the point that if the teachers decide to leave us alone, we are all not going to make it (physical geo has 70% failure, what do you think).
Chi was genuinely disappointing, but at the same time i couldn't blame anyone except for my own laziness. Apparently the one and only prose that i missed was the Q1 and hola, i was killed and slapped right smack in my face. HAHAHA. Q2 was a predicted question but honestly, it is a definite U alre oh well. He is going to speak to me even more now oops.
Moving on, maths was really alright and our dear maths teacher really hinted all the way for the paper. The questions were exactly the ones she SPECIFICALLY asked us to study, just with the switching of numbers. Really, it is hard to fail because the hints were so explicit and i can safely tell you that if you don't get it, you are a legit bobo HAHAHA. But, thank goodness the paper was alright and yes, i think i can pass my H1 yay.
Overall, i genuinely feel that the teachers are really helping a lot and that they really wanna help us to do well for this 5% so that at the very least, we are secured for a 5%. It may seemed insignificant, but sometimes, it could be this 5% that determines your calling. Hence, i am glad that i didn't look down on this 5% and yes, i was so stressed over this 5% alright. Too stressed for a 5%, but it's okay, they are all wroth it. (:
This week was a much better week, compared to the previous one. Yes, there were stress and there were moments i was just pure angsty and cranky. But, i wouldn't wanna exchange them because my mood this week was really a much better one and i could actually call myself to focus and sit down and really just read through my notes, i know i am able to convince myself to study, and all i need was just to get my shit together (as usual, what is new)
Thankful for the CA week, they forced me to get my shit together :)
and thankful for the really really important and personal heart-to-heart talk. It was really a test that we had to go through together and yes, i am glad that we made it through the test and passed it with flying colors :)
CA ended, we are even closer to promos and PW, farewell planning, teachers' day, OGL and etc, things are finally kicked in, but i know, with the determination and right mindset, i will get through them all, safe and sound. Watch me survive all and become a even better and stronger person, in and out.
//
We often complain about the education system being too rigid, and that results define each and everyone; but we never realized that we are penning those thoughts on to the papers that are going to determine our future paths. Irony much? And then, after writing for the paper, we then have to open and flip through other subjects and continue the further revisions and studies. Wow, so what was it then you were writing for your GP essay again? You are writing just to score an A, isn't it? Are you seriously going to submit that essay or argument of yours up to the government and get them to look into it? No, you are not. And believe me, you will not either. So, forget about that and just do whatever is it given to us or rather, our current role---study.
Okay, enough of the intellectual talk, this is a place for me to just release everything i have in me and i am definitely not going to tell the try-hard realist in me to take over. You have had enough of your position eveyday in school, time to let the personal jieai takes the lead.
Back to CA, physical geo was well, rather doable and manageable and personally, it would be entirely your fault should you failed the paper because the hints given were really explicit to the point and yes, quoted from him 'this is a no integrity paper' aka should you studied, passing is probably the easiest thing about it.
And, yes I Passed (:
Human geo was also alright, considering the fact that there wasn't any essay questions (she totally fooled us all) and that there were many break down of marks here and there. The paper was also, to help us pass and basically to get through geo because apparently, our batch did way too badly for geo and it was to the point that if the teachers decide to leave us alone, we are all not going to make it (physical geo has 70% failure, what do you think).
Chi was genuinely disappointing, but at the same time i couldn't blame anyone except for my own laziness. Apparently the one and only prose that i missed was the Q1 and hola, i was killed and slapped right smack in my face. HAHAHA. Q2 was a predicted question but honestly, it is a definite U alre oh well. He is going to speak to me even more now oops.
Moving on, maths was really alright and our dear maths teacher really hinted all the way for the paper. The questions were exactly the ones she SPECIFICALLY asked us to study, just with the switching of numbers. Really, it is hard to fail because the hints were so explicit and i can safely tell you that if you don't get it, you are a legit bobo HAHAHA. But, thank goodness the paper was alright and yes, i think i can pass my H1 yay.
Overall, i genuinely feel that the teachers are really helping a lot and that they really wanna help us to do well for this 5% so that at the very least, we are secured for a 5%. It may seemed insignificant, but sometimes, it could be this 5% that determines your calling. Hence, i am glad that i didn't look down on this 5% and yes, i was so stressed over this 5% alright. Too stressed for a 5%, but it's okay, they are all wroth it. (:
This week was a much better week, compared to the previous one. Yes, there were stress and there were moments i was just pure angsty and cranky. But, i wouldn't wanna exchange them because my mood this week was really a much better one and i could actually call myself to focus and sit down and really just read through my notes, i know i am able to convince myself to study, and all i need was just to get my shit together (as usual, what is new)
Thankful for the CA week, they forced me to get my shit together :)
and thankful for the really really important and personal heart-to-heart talk. It was really a test that we had to go through together and yes, i am glad that we made it through the test and passed it with flying colors :)
CA ended, we are even closer to promos and PW, farewell planning, teachers' day, OGL and etc, things are finally kicked in, but i know, with the determination and right mindset, i will get through them all, safe and sound. Watch me survive all and become a even better and stronger person, in and out.
//
Saturday, August 15, 2015
terrible is probably an understatement now...
Probably one of the terrible week omg sigh
Everything started out wrong and yes, i am officially feeling the jc stress. What's more? This stress is accompanied with the weak immune system omg.
For three days, i went to school with a sore throat, a changed voice, headache and a body that would subconsciously start shivering. And i officially start coughing non-stop too. It has been a while i fell sick but i really couldn't afford to miss school. I cannot miss the CA just like that, because i am not confident of my promos. I kept on have the feel that i would stay back which geniuely scares me so much that i will wake up suddenly from my sleep. Or it would just take away my sleep basically. Either way, i would just have issues with my sleep again. I am not ready to retain and definitely, i don't want that to happen to me either. Why retain and embarrass yourself? Why retain and learn all the things all over again? Don't forget, it will all be an entirely new syllabus. Why make all the learning you have this year all gone down the drain isn't it?
Okay, back to the terrible week. So, i had to serve probation for a week and report to the classroom and her in the morning. Luckily, i was able to escaped each day, i mean i really do report to there everyday, but just not the time instructed by her. Luckily, she was here today to check on me and can i say it was the first and my last day that i reported correctly and look like i was diligently studying? I mean we were really studying because we were reciting the various geo facts and i was reading my articles. But, i would call myself really lucky that she saw that i was diligently reporting to her HAHA. Happiness doesn't last long, i strongly believe in that. During flag raising, i was so tired and basically feeling so unwell and lethargic, so i sat down when they were asking for youth donations. When everything ended, i swear i was getting ready to all get up but idk, i would say my mind somehow wasn't back and then my reactions were too slow so i in the end got up really much slower which resulted in me receiving lectures of being 'disrespectful, you're a student councillor, know your limits and the dos and don'ts' That, honestly, destroyed my morning which added on to the already bad morning. Ever since i join student council, that statement which i genuinely hate it, disgust me so so much. It was to the point that i just wanna shut that person's mouth and really, just stuff a catcus into it. It may seemed as another insignificant statement to anyone of you and you can shoot it out from your mouth, but do you know how much efforts i put in for that statement you made? I wouldn't say i am a model student or a role model, but i really tried to be the best of me and i make sure i don't get into any trouble, not even the smallest and the most minor one. I have never been so cautious with my actions before. Because I really love this part of the school so much and i don't want to give it up, so i held on to all of them and continue be the jieai that honestly, not many of my sec school friends will believe. There are so many things i restricted myself and i don't complain. I picked this path and i am determined to finish it. But, i really hate the fact that out of all the 10 things i do, people picked on that 0.5 mistake that i made and then create a big fuss about it, and then remind me again that i am a student councillor. I am sorry for that 0.5 imperfect in me but i am really trying to even get rid of that 0.5. Back then, i would really create at least 6/10 of all the problems. Do you know even the new jieai scares the old jieai so much? Like the old jieai cannot handle the new jieai because the new jieai doesn't dare to try new things anymore and the new jieai thinks so much more now, compared to before. I am so worried that eventually i will lose the old jieai, because the old me was really a happier me and a me that has lesser worries and her life was a lot a lot simpler. Omg, why am i so bothered by what the others say about me? They don't have a say in my life anyway. It is my life and i am the one that determine each and every step i took. So why am i so concerned now? Why? The old jieai doesn't give a shit about all these and she lives her life the way she wants and she likes. Omg, i hate it so much. I hate it so much that i am actually crying while writing all these omg. I cannot believe it. I need to stop taking so much unwanted bullshit into my life. They are not beneficial to start with. They are just there to obstruct my way to happiness. I need to learn to filter all these people and their nonsense out of my life. They do not even deserve at least 0.0001% in my life. They should be all gone, for good. JieAi, you need to stop having so much negativity in you. YOU NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM LIKE STOP NOW NOW
Remember, you are the happy pill. You are the one that spread joy and laughter and happiness to the people around you isn't it? People like you for your positivity and optimism in life right? So stop bringing in the stupid things into them? They don't and never fit in the picture right? And they will never will alright? Always remember that my dear girl. I have faith in you. I believe that you will get rid of them soon. Remember, you do not want to disappoint anyone anymore, including yourself. You said that yourself alright.
^ Okay, we will move on from here, you need some time too.
Econs and GP CA this week. The latter was better than the front one. I officially screwed up econs and yes, i am ready for all kind of unwanted bullshit again from her. Thankfully, GP was a saving grace for my terrible week. At least, i felt alright after the paper and i don't feel like bad or negative about it. I am just hoping that i am feeling the right way though. After so many things, i can't really trust many things in life now, not forgetting all the disappointments sigh.
This week, mum and i had so many conflicts and misunderstandings, especially when i am feeling super bad this week. But mum came and picked me up despite all of us are feeling so tired and so stress, and of course, without a doubt i am thankful. Mum kept on saying i am really disrespectful and rude to her this week and every statement or response to her, she felt that it was either spoke with an annoyance tone or i had an issue against her. Honestly, i don't know. Of course i would say i wasn't rude at all, or in fact, i don't even what i had said or did cause my brain ain't with me at all. I was just so tired, so drained out everyday this week, but i couldn't even rest because of the stress from the CA sigh. I really hate it a lot when i made home even a place where i cannot do things freely or speak without zero filter. What is worse? I pissed off mum unknowingly and then i received more lectures again about being a better person, about upbringing. I mean, i know i am still growing up and of course, educating about my attitude and moral values are important. Never will i deny that, because i know that if i don't have them cultivated in me, i will honestly be hated by the society and the world already. But, this week, yesterday, 2-3 days ago, today, i really just don't want them. I just feel that it is too much for a week and really, i cannot take them anymore. And okay, i will watch my tone and actions. I will really try alright. Maybe some words will slip off me unknowingly, mum please try to understand me. I promise you it will all be fine soon, just let me get pass and get through all these. I promise to stop bringing negativity home and infect the entire family and the home atmosphere with it.
Okay, i really need to get away from all these because i am utterly affected by it sigh
Moving on, i sincerely pray for the strength and will power to get through the most painful part of my year this year and really, i cannot wait for Australia now. 4 more months, my dear, you can do this. Make sure you made it alright. My dear, you have come thus far and don't let all the efforts before all these go down the drain alright. Remember what you want in your life and the keyword now is DISAPPOINTMENT
okay, end of rant, back to reality. goodnight
//
Everything started out wrong and yes, i am officially feeling the jc stress. What's more? This stress is accompanied with the weak immune system omg.
For three days, i went to school with a sore throat, a changed voice, headache and a body that would subconsciously start shivering. And i officially start coughing non-stop too. It has been a while i fell sick but i really couldn't afford to miss school. I cannot miss the CA just like that, because i am not confident of my promos. I kept on have the feel that i would stay back which geniuely scares me so much that i will wake up suddenly from my sleep. Or it would just take away my sleep basically. Either way, i would just have issues with my sleep again. I am not ready to retain and definitely, i don't want that to happen to me either. Why retain and embarrass yourself? Why retain and learn all the things all over again? Don't forget, it will all be an entirely new syllabus. Why make all the learning you have this year all gone down the drain isn't it?
Okay, back to the terrible week. So, i had to serve probation for a week and report to the classroom and her in the morning. Luckily, i was able to escaped each day, i mean i really do report to there everyday, but just not the time instructed by her. Luckily, she was here today to check on me and can i say it was the first and my last day that i reported correctly and look like i was diligently studying? I mean we were really studying because we were reciting the various geo facts and i was reading my articles. But, i would call myself really lucky that she saw that i was diligently reporting to her HAHA. Happiness doesn't last long, i strongly believe in that. During flag raising, i was so tired and basically feeling so unwell and lethargic, so i sat down when they were asking for youth donations. When everything ended, i swear i was getting ready to all get up but idk, i would say my mind somehow wasn't back and then my reactions were too slow so i in the end got up really much slower which resulted in me receiving lectures of being 'disrespectful, you're a student councillor, know your limits and the dos and don'ts' That, honestly, destroyed my morning which added on to the already bad morning. Ever since i join student council, that statement which i genuinely hate it, disgust me so so much. It was to the point that i just wanna shut that person's mouth and really, just stuff a catcus into it. It may seemed as another insignificant statement to anyone of you and you can shoot it out from your mouth, but do you know how much efforts i put in for that statement you made? I wouldn't say i am a model student or a role model, but i really tried to be the best of me and i make sure i don't get into any trouble, not even the smallest and the most minor one. I have never been so cautious with my actions before. Because I really love this part of the school so much and i don't want to give it up, so i held on to all of them and continue be the jieai that honestly, not many of my sec school friends will believe. There are so many things i restricted myself and i don't complain. I picked this path and i am determined to finish it. But, i really hate the fact that out of all the 10 things i do, people picked on that 0.5 mistake that i made and then create a big fuss about it, and then remind me again that i am a student councillor. I am sorry for that 0.5 imperfect in me but i am really trying to even get rid of that 0.5. Back then, i would really create at least 6/10 of all the problems. Do you know even the new jieai scares the old jieai so much? Like the old jieai cannot handle the new jieai because the new jieai doesn't dare to try new things anymore and the new jieai thinks so much more now, compared to before. I am so worried that eventually i will lose the old jieai, because the old me was really a happier me and a me that has lesser worries and her life was a lot a lot simpler. Omg, why am i so bothered by what the others say about me? They don't have a say in my life anyway. It is my life and i am the one that determine each and every step i took. So why am i so concerned now? Why? The old jieai doesn't give a shit about all these and she lives her life the way she wants and she likes. Omg, i hate it so much. I hate it so much that i am actually crying while writing all these omg. I cannot believe it. I need to stop taking so much unwanted bullshit into my life. They are not beneficial to start with. They are just there to obstruct my way to happiness. I need to learn to filter all these people and their nonsense out of my life. They do not even deserve at least 0.0001% in my life. They should be all gone, for good. JieAi, you need to stop having so much negativity in you. YOU NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT THEM LIKE STOP NOW NOW
Remember, you are the happy pill. You are the one that spread joy and laughter and happiness to the people around you isn't it? People like you for your positivity and optimism in life right? So stop bringing in the stupid things into them? They don't and never fit in the picture right? And they will never will alright? Always remember that my dear girl. I have faith in you. I believe that you will get rid of them soon. Remember, you do not want to disappoint anyone anymore, including yourself. You said that yourself alright.
^ Okay, we will move on from here, you need some time too.
Econs and GP CA this week. The latter was better than the front one. I officially screwed up econs and yes, i am ready for all kind of unwanted bullshit again from her. Thankfully, GP was a saving grace for my terrible week. At least, i felt alright after the paper and i don't feel like bad or negative about it. I am just hoping that i am feeling the right way though. After so many things, i can't really trust many things in life now, not forgetting all the disappointments sigh.
This week, mum and i had so many conflicts and misunderstandings, especially when i am feeling super bad this week. But mum came and picked me up despite all of us are feeling so tired and so stress, and of course, without a doubt i am thankful. Mum kept on saying i am really disrespectful and rude to her this week and every statement or response to her, she felt that it was either spoke with an annoyance tone or i had an issue against her. Honestly, i don't know. Of course i would say i wasn't rude at all, or in fact, i don't even what i had said or did cause my brain ain't with me at all. I was just so tired, so drained out everyday this week, but i couldn't even rest because of the stress from the CA sigh. I really hate it a lot when i made home even a place where i cannot do things freely or speak without zero filter. What is worse? I pissed off mum unknowingly and then i received more lectures again about being a better person, about upbringing. I mean, i know i am still growing up and of course, educating about my attitude and moral values are important. Never will i deny that, because i know that if i don't have them cultivated in me, i will honestly be hated by the society and the world already. But, this week, yesterday, 2-3 days ago, today, i really just don't want them. I just feel that it is too much for a week and really, i cannot take them anymore. And okay, i will watch my tone and actions. I will really try alright. Maybe some words will slip off me unknowingly, mum please try to understand me. I promise you it will all be fine soon, just let me get pass and get through all these. I promise to stop bringing negativity home and infect the entire family and the home atmosphere with it.
Okay, i really need to get away from all these because i am utterly affected by it sigh
Moving on, i sincerely pray for the strength and will power to get through the most painful part of my year this year and really, i cannot wait for Australia now. 4 more months, my dear, you can do this. Make sure you made it alright. My dear, you have come thus far and don't let all the efforts before all these go down the drain alright. Remember what you want in your life and the keyword now is DISAPPOINTMENT
okay, end of rant, back to reality. goodnight
//
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
econs burden urgh
So disappointed omg. I am so disappointed at myself and basically my performance.
Why can't i do it omg? I tried so hard and omg i just felt that i put in sufficient amount of efforts omg? urgh and why is it not working?
econs was so disappointing omg. it wasn't like i didn't study or i gave up. No, i studied to the end and i just felt that at least i should be given the chance to at least show what i can achieve omg :( this is not like some other random test, omg i even performed better during non-graded tests smh. i am so disappointed. omg why is it like that sigh.
This is not about knowing how to do or not, it is more of i lost track of myself and i genuinely hate that so much urgh.
okay, i need to get over this shit soon so that i can focus on the others. But sigh, i am so annoyed and i just felt that it was all a waste and i am actually not trying hard enough to prove my worth. omg this is worse that not understanding the question nor writing the wrong shit. It is you know your stuff, but you didn't get them onto the papers. urgh so disappointing, so depressing and i get to get away from this.
headache is back too dammit
headache is back too dammit
econs, 5%, i blew it all away okay bye
//
Monday, August 10, 2015
Roller Coaster ;
HEYYY
Disappeared for two weeks and finally back. Many things happened during this period of time and i swear, it was one hell roller coaster ride. I can't say they are all bad, and neither are they all good and well. But, i would say it has allowed me to actually have a taste of many unknown feelings i never have had before and unknowingly forge wonderful memories as well. i would say, it was two weeks, with numerous ups and downs, and many many life changing and unexpected moments.
Okay, where should i start? i am lost myself. Just a day after i update the blog, i had my ever first confession. since young, from drama and tv, i find all the romantic moments sweet and cute and adorable and i always tell my friends 'i am still waiting for my prince charming' HAHAHA. it may seemed dumb to many of the people around me but every girl has her own little secret romance she yearns isn't it? so when the real thing finally hit me, i was totally taken aback and was like huh and what. i had so many questions in my mind and i don't even know which to start. tbh, i am very shocked that someone really actually liked me, like i am not very outstanding, neither am i someone that is really pretty or have amazing results. i am really someone, if you just put it that way, your neighborhood girl with honestly zero talents and skills lmao. so yeap, i am (yes it is still a present issue) really thankful someone like me for who i am. thanks for seeing the good in me HAHAHA. but sadly, i felt sad for him. bc i don't feel the same way as him and similarly, he was just another guy i felt that we can talk about random shit and laugh and have fun together. i was really really open and very comfortable with him. yes, he is not that bad looking but i guess, my eyes was already fixed on a particular someone since day 2 of orientation? teehee. and what i couldn't draw the most important link was he just liked me after we have known each other for half a year, like are you saying you fall in love with me in first sight? wow, okay i am sorry i never believed in that. like eye candy or crush make sense but liking someone at first sight, sorry this seems really unbelievable. hahaha and really i believe that hanging out together, finding out more about the other party and realizing we have many in common and you feel good about yourself when you are with him, yes this is tbh what i am looking for. it has been a while since i like an opposite gender, and i can safely tell you that, when i fall in love, i fall hard. i fall really hard for that particular individual. and yes i warned mum abt the same thing too, i will be the craziest girl ever and when i broke up, haha. you can't find me for a month and yes i believe i need a very very long time to get over him (hence, i can never understand anyone that can date 3 days later after they broke up like huh you had zero feelings for that someone before that??) the last guy i liked (hopefully i believed i got over him already, like finally) was my primary school crush, whom i liked for a good whole 6 years. even until last year, i continued to spazz over him, and this shows how much i really like someone. now, currently, i don't have anyone on my mind and what ahma told me continue to ring in me and i never wanna forget and forgo bc what she said was really true. (omg i sidetrack so much smh)
okay, back to burden chan. these few days, after i rejected him, i swear i am seeing the weirdest and the most unexplainable burden chan omg. i don't know what is going through his mind and i have no idea what he actually wants now. he constantly say things that has hidden meanings but at the same time, it doesn't seemed to have any special meanings to them. like i am sorry i rejected you and you are feeling so butthurt but if i said yes to your confession, isn't that even more unfair for you? like honestly, whatever you do for me during this r/s, i wouldn't feel touched or happy, but more i will feel guilty towards you like i don't feel i deserve all these bc i don't reciprocate the same way as you do to me!! bc i know myself, if i really like you, i will do even more unexpected things that i cannot believe either myself for you, and just for the most simple reason of i really like you. and now, i need to try to understand you and your real weird actions bc i just cannot close both eyes bc honestly, you made it really obvious lmao. people keep on telling me to ignore or roll my eyes at you, but have you ever wonder why i never did all these? when i ignore, you start assuming which scares me so much i swear and i don't roll my eyes just bc i still treasure you as my friend and i genuinely feel that we shouldn't let this stupid shit ruin our friendship (but no you wanna ruin it so badly smh) and i also feel that this confession has nothing wrong at all and we just need to switch and twist our thoughts and feelings more that's all. so, i really pray and hope that you can stop being so weird and maybe, tell me what you really want from me. i understand it will be hard now, considering the amount of rejection and hurt, but i am willing to give you the time to make things right. i genuinely hope things will alright eventually and that you are still someone that i don't want to lose as a friend. thanks so much. :)
i swear, that one week was so hard to go through. i was cringing every single moment i had and i was literally shaking like most of my times omg. it was so painful and agonising but idk why i just couldn't get it off me and it continues to weigh me down so so much. it was to the point that i will shake unknowingly and i subconsciously lose my focus and concentration which i genuinely hate it so much omg like why am i so affected by this omg sigh
and moving on, LTC
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
because for whatever happened above, i was safely put into the same group as him which i prayed so hard every single day for a good whole week. i was so stressed and overwhelmed by it and it was to the point i wanted to give camp a miss and just submit a random mc. i even missed malaysia trip for camp omg such sacrifice i made. and i was all ready to give up everything just so to exchange for a different group from him bc i know i am definitely not ready to face him. (lmao i was running away every single chance i have and have so much problems being in the same room or even same environment i cannot) but no life decide to give such a big bomb and made me carried for three whole days i cry. i still rememebered clearly that i had such a severe mental breakdown when i first saw the grouping lists and i ran around the entire function room and my face was just clearly written 'hi i officially gave up on camp and can i really just opt to go home now?' i was this close to cry and i really wanted to come up with the dumbest reason just so as to go home. zhonghng knows the best how i look at that point of time and it was for the very first time, i really gave up on life and lost all my motivation sigh it was so so so sad omg. first day went passed like that, me being really afraid and just wanna get away from his environment so badly omg. however, second day, third day, things suddenly took a different turn and many things became unknowingly a lot better and more comfortable. by the end of camp, i can made eye contact with him and have really simple conversations and i can even laugh at his legit stupid jokes yes i can do all these omg, i am so proud of myself.
i would say camp is quite disappointing bc tbh i actually expected more and that the activities were really the common ones, nothing out of the ordinary. i would say the only thing i liked the most would be the trust fall. it was one in a lifetime experience for sure and i really felt super cool after i did it so well like i did it the proper way and i genuinely trust the people below me to catch me. so yes, i did it. (: but really, throughout the camp, i was trying so hard to contain myself and be as normal as possible so i guess that is also why i couldn't enjoy the camp as much but oh well, the bunk would definitely be something i loved loved so much haha. we slept on beds and with air-con omg i felt so good omg T^T
but most importantly, it was from the camp, telepathic trio is really officially established and we even had over very first outing together lmao HAHAHA. i was so thankful for that two dudes during camp bc only you were there, you will know how much efforts i put in for this camp and how much i tried to be a better person lmao haha okay i am done with myself here too.
moving on, after camp, school resumed but it was the national day holiday weekend, so there was only 3 days of school. everyday i was so tired bc tbh i didn't had a really good rest after camp and i had so many things on my mind too (including how to be act in front of a burden) so super thankful it was a short week yeap and also finally, a break for me to study. (:
thurs, national day celebration + council via. Guess who was late for school, forgotten her lego and geo file and basically started the day wrongly lmao. oh and i need to report sch early for a week oh waht genius we have here i cannot (the only thing that made me happy was eye candy was late too and i saw him omg?? i was so happy can i say that omg HAHAHAHA) national day celebation was cool bc jieai wore a baju aka malay dress and welfare comm did it together so it was super adorable i would say it that way yay hahaha. and then via was unexpectedly alright too woohoo. for the first time, visit to elderly home was such great fun and i would say the elderly were so adorable omg woohoo. council people are such great people omg i am so thankful i made the choice to enter council bc i am just glad that i am able to enjoy the company of these absolutely wonderful people yay. but you know, among all ten things, there is of course 1 that must be there to screw you up and i would say to strike a balance lmao. and of course what could it be else other than burden chan. burden chan was such a weirdo and he spoke with unexplained words and with unexplained tone, accompanied with unexplained facial expressions wow. he kept on said stuffs that only us two understood plus words that hint and don't hint at the same time which actually gets on me so much :) and oh dear god, he even decide to block my way and just stare at me for a minute before moving away like wow. but other than that, i had a great time bonding with my fellow council friends and i would say it was a great afternoon spent together :) moving on, me and chuken were literally dragged into council dinner hahaha. even though it wasn't planned, i was glad we went in bc we had such an intellectual talk with the teachers and omg i received so much information from the teachers and even saw the light in econs omg?? that was probably the best enlightenment omg i felt like all these while all the econs terms made sense in just one snap omg. (what is delphine tan doing i swear i cannot) and of course burden chan never let go of any moment to be weird to me what is new right people? ^^ but i would say, it was the perfect end to the week and really, i wouldn't want it otherwise (:
fri, telepathic trio met up for lunch and study date and omg we were back at seoul garden and even at the same seat HAHAHA. it was a great day spent together and guys, i am the third wheel okay i swear with my life omg. << please take note!! study date was better than expected omg wow?? like i completed 3/4 of my work yay man woohoo. and i would said it was a great bonding session woohoo yay !! love love love xoxo ;
sat, met up with weiran and can i say how much i miss that bitch even though we are just one class away lmao?? i said so many things i wanna tell her and omg we don't even see each other frequent enough smh sigh but it was so good bc we updated each other about ourselves and i was finally able to have a good talk with her and basically being dumb all over again yay !! study session was relatively productive too so i am really satisfied with the day teehee.
and finally, Sunday, national day, sg 50th birthday. spent the day at home and mama and papa came home early specially just to eat dinner with me omg i was so touched like so many yay and love for them woohoo teehee.
okay with this, i officially end my two weeks worth of roller coaster and wow so many things happened and so so crazy like omg but what can i say, it was through all these i established friendships, bonded so much with all my loved ones and finally started studying lmao. next week onwards, things would get even more shitty and definitely, i would be more shag, tired and maybe, really wanted to give up on life so much. but i know, i am not on this journey, i have many wonderful and amazing people that are going to be beside me. so thank you so much all in advanced and really you guys are the treasures in my life
xoxo much love woohoo ;
//
Disappeared for two weeks and finally back. Many things happened during this period of time and i swear, it was one hell roller coaster ride. I can't say they are all bad, and neither are they all good and well. But, i would say it has allowed me to actually have a taste of many unknown feelings i never have had before and unknowingly forge wonderful memories as well. i would say, it was two weeks, with numerous ups and downs, and many many life changing and unexpected moments.
Okay, where should i start? i am lost myself. Just a day after i update the blog, i had my ever first confession. since young, from drama and tv, i find all the romantic moments sweet and cute and adorable and i always tell my friends 'i am still waiting for my prince charming' HAHAHA. it may seemed dumb to many of the people around me but every girl has her own little secret romance she yearns isn't it? so when the real thing finally hit me, i was totally taken aback and was like huh and what. i had so many questions in my mind and i don't even know which to start. tbh, i am very shocked that someone really actually liked me, like i am not very outstanding, neither am i someone that is really pretty or have amazing results. i am really someone, if you just put it that way, your neighborhood girl with honestly zero talents and skills lmao. so yeap, i am (yes it is still a present issue) really thankful someone like me for who i am. thanks for seeing the good in me HAHAHA. but sadly, i felt sad for him. bc i don't feel the same way as him and similarly, he was just another guy i felt that we can talk about random shit and laugh and have fun together. i was really really open and very comfortable with him. yes, he is not that bad looking but i guess, my eyes was already fixed on a particular someone since day 2 of orientation? teehee. and what i couldn't draw the most important link was he just liked me after we have known each other for half a year, like are you saying you fall in love with me in first sight? wow, okay i am sorry i never believed in that. like eye candy or crush make sense but liking someone at first sight, sorry this seems really unbelievable. hahaha and really i believe that hanging out together, finding out more about the other party and realizing we have many in common and you feel good about yourself when you are with him, yes this is tbh what i am looking for. it has been a while since i like an opposite gender, and i can safely tell you that, when i fall in love, i fall hard. i fall really hard for that particular individual. and yes i warned mum abt the same thing too, i will be the craziest girl ever and when i broke up, haha. you can't find me for a month and yes i believe i need a very very long time to get over him (hence, i can never understand anyone that can date 3 days later after they broke up like huh you had zero feelings for that someone before that??) the last guy i liked (hopefully i believed i got over him already, like finally) was my primary school crush, whom i liked for a good whole 6 years. even until last year, i continued to spazz over him, and this shows how much i really like someone. now, currently, i don't have anyone on my mind and what ahma told me continue to ring in me and i never wanna forget and forgo bc what she said was really true. (omg i sidetrack so much smh)
okay, back to burden chan. these few days, after i rejected him, i swear i am seeing the weirdest and the most unexplainable burden chan omg. i don't know what is going through his mind and i have no idea what he actually wants now. he constantly say things that has hidden meanings but at the same time, it doesn't seemed to have any special meanings to them. like i am sorry i rejected you and you are feeling so butthurt but if i said yes to your confession, isn't that even more unfair for you? like honestly, whatever you do for me during this r/s, i wouldn't feel touched or happy, but more i will feel guilty towards you like i don't feel i deserve all these bc i don't reciprocate the same way as you do to me!! bc i know myself, if i really like you, i will do even more unexpected things that i cannot believe either myself for you, and just for the most simple reason of i really like you. and now, i need to try to understand you and your real weird actions bc i just cannot close both eyes bc honestly, you made it really obvious lmao. people keep on telling me to ignore or roll my eyes at you, but have you ever wonder why i never did all these? when i ignore, you start assuming which scares me so much i swear and i don't roll my eyes just bc i still treasure you as my friend and i genuinely feel that we shouldn't let this stupid shit ruin our friendship (but no you wanna ruin it so badly smh) and i also feel that this confession has nothing wrong at all and we just need to switch and twist our thoughts and feelings more that's all. so, i really pray and hope that you can stop being so weird and maybe, tell me what you really want from me. i understand it will be hard now, considering the amount of rejection and hurt, but i am willing to give you the time to make things right. i genuinely hope things will alright eventually and that you are still someone that i don't want to lose as a friend. thanks so much. :)
i swear, that one week was so hard to go through. i was cringing every single moment i had and i was literally shaking like most of my times omg. it was so painful and agonising but idk why i just couldn't get it off me and it continues to weigh me down so so much. it was to the point that i will shake unknowingly and i subconsciously lose my focus and concentration which i genuinely hate it so much omg like why am i so affected by this omg sigh
and moving on, LTC
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
because for whatever happened above, i was safely put into the same group as him which i prayed so hard every single day for a good whole week. i was so stressed and overwhelmed by it and it was to the point i wanted to give camp a miss and just submit a random mc. i even missed malaysia trip for camp omg such sacrifice i made. and i was all ready to give up everything just so to exchange for a different group from him bc i know i am definitely not ready to face him. (lmao i was running away every single chance i have and have so much problems being in the same room or even same environment i cannot) but no life decide to give such a big bomb and made me carried for three whole days i cry. i still rememebered clearly that i had such a severe mental breakdown when i first saw the grouping lists and i ran around the entire function room and my face was just clearly written 'hi i officially gave up on camp and can i really just opt to go home now?' i was this close to cry and i really wanted to come up with the dumbest reason just so as to go home. zhonghng knows the best how i look at that point of time and it was for the very first time, i really gave up on life and lost all my motivation sigh it was so so so sad omg. first day went passed like that, me being really afraid and just wanna get away from his environment so badly omg. however, second day, third day, things suddenly took a different turn and many things became unknowingly a lot better and more comfortable. by the end of camp, i can made eye contact with him and have really simple conversations and i can even laugh at his legit stupid jokes yes i can do all these omg, i am so proud of myself.
i would say camp is quite disappointing bc tbh i actually expected more and that the activities were really the common ones, nothing out of the ordinary. i would say the only thing i liked the most would be the trust fall. it was one in a lifetime experience for sure and i really felt super cool after i did it so well like i did it the proper way and i genuinely trust the people below me to catch me. so yes, i did it. (: but really, throughout the camp, i was trying so hard to contain myself and be as normal as possible so i guess that is also why i couldn't enjoy the camp as much but oh well, the bunk would definitely be something i loved loved so much haha. we slept on beds and with air-con omg i felt so good omg T^T
but most importantly, it was from the camp, telepathic trio is really officially established and we even had over very first outing together lmao HAHAHA. i was so thankful for that two dudes during camp bc only you were there, you will know how much efforts i put in for this camp and how much i tried to be a better person lmao haha okay i am done with myself here too.
moving on, after camp, school resumed but it was the national day holiday weekend, so there was only 3 days of school. everyday i was so tired bc tbh i didn't had a really good rest after camp and i had so many things on my mind too (including how to be act in front of a burden) so super thankful it was a short week yeap and also finally, a break for me to study. (:
thurs, national day celebration + council via. Guess who was late for school, forgotten her lego and geo file and basically started the day wrongly lmao. oh and i need to report sch early for a week oh waht genius we have here i cannot (the only thing that made me happy was eye candy was late too and i saw him omg?? i was so happy can i say that omg HAHAHAHA) national day celebation was cool bc jieai wore a baju aka malay dress and welfare comm did it together so it was super adorable i would say it that way yay hahaha. and then via was unexpectedly alright too woohoo. for the first time, visit to elderly home was such great fun and i would say the elderly were so adorable omg woohoo. council people are such great people omg i am so thankful i made the choice to enter council bc i am just glad that i am able to enjoy the company of these absolutely wonderful people yay. but you know, among all ten things, there is of course 1 that must be there to screw you up and i would say to strike a balance lmao. and of course what could it be else other than burden chan. burden chan was such a weirdo and he spoke with unexplained words and with unexplained tone, accompanied with unexplained facial expressions wow. he kept on said stuffs that only us two understood plus words that hint and don't hint at the same time which actually gets on me so much :) and oh dear god, he even decide to block my way and just stare at me for a minute before moving away like wow. but other than that, i had a great time bonding with my fellow council friends and i would say it was a great afternoon spent together :) moving on, me and chuken were literally dragged into council dinner hahaha. even though it wasn't planned, i was glad we went in bc we had such an intellectual talk with the teachers and omg i received so much information from the teachers and even saw the light in econs omg?? that was probably the best enlightenment omg i felt like all these while all the econs terms made sense in just one snap omg. (what is delphine tan doing i swear i cannot) and of course burden chan never let go of any moment to be weird to me what is new right people? ^^ but i would say, it was the perfect end to the week and really, i wouldn't want it otherwise (:
fri, telepathic trio met up for lunch and study date and omg we were back at seoul garden and even at the same seat HAHAHA. it was a great day spent together and guys, i am the third wheel okay i swear with my life omg. << please take note!! study date was better than expected omg wow?? like i completed 3/4 of my work yay man woohoo. and i would said it was a great bonding session woohoo yay !! love love love xoxo ;
sat, met up with weiran and can i say how much i miss that bitch even though we are just one class away lmao?? i said so many things i wanna tell her and omg we don't even see each other frequent enough smh sigh but it was so good bc we updated each other about ourselves and i was finally able to have a good talk with her and basically being dumb all over again yay !! study session was relatively productive too so i am really satisfied with the day teehee.
and finally, Sunday, national day, sg 50th birthday. spent the day at home and mama and papa came home early specially just to eat dinner with me omg i was so touched like so many yay and love for them woohoo teehee.
okay with this, i officially end my two weeks worth of roller coaster and wow so many things happened and so so crazy like omg but what can i say, it was through all these i established friendships, bonded so much with all my loved ones and finally started studying lmao. next week onwards, things would get even more shitty and definitely, i would be more shag, tired and maybe, really wanted to give up on life so much. but i know, i am not on this journey, i have many wonderful and amazing people that are going to be beside me. so thank you so much all in advanced and really you guys are the treasures in my life
xoxo much love woohoo ;
//
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