Today is another day that i feel empty and hollow. This pms thing is really getting in me so much omg. Impromptu meetup with chuken & was glad that i was took away from my really low mood & empty feelings for a while. But tbh, when everything ends, it all came to me again.
This pms thing is honestly getting from bad to worse. Maybe i never really take so much concern and consideration before until this time. I am being really weird. I am doings things that i never bothered and dislike. And I am actually not favouring things I always liked. Am i making sense? I don't know myself too tbh. I actually walked for 3 bus stops and took the extra long way home, and using really small and slow steps. I don't want to go for shopping trips and don't want to spend money on anything. I was stoning in popular, flipping colouring books and almost bought one omg. I was feeling rather lost and really at a loss of idk-what-to-do. All the songs i heard today, be it the happy and light-hearted kind, or the kind filled with ten thousand emotions, i felt them all smh. I hate walking, yet i ended up walking so so much today. I didn't want to move at all after a long walk, but i didn' regret either. And i wanted to just stone at a cafe and read my book. Btw, i found my love for reading again, so i guess that gives me some form of warmth and comfort again. I found comfort in books again yay. Anyway, i think this will continue for some time sigh.... Maybe for another week.. Sorry to all my friends in advanced! Please understand this weird and unexplainable actions and words from jieai ><
Updates from this week;
Mon: op consult & impromptu meetup with weiran. It has been a while for the intellectual & real deep heart-to-heart talk. It was so heartwarming, so comfortable, so close to the heart. It is sth that we shared between the both of us & no matter what happens, it doesn't matter the venue or time, it was the content and the efforts that we are always willing to place in between us. And it was through all these unexpected moments, we found out the most about each other & truly update and speak our very true minds, and have real honest thoughts and feelings. I truly treasure and cherish these times together because i am finally true to myself and can speak most freely, and just be really raw and exposed, without worrying any single thing. I know i can trust that girl, and i put more than 200% of trust and faith in her because i know our friendship is more than what you see everyday. (:
Tues: stay home day & witness something meaningful (refer to below)
Wed: op dry run; though i fumble a bit & accidentally dozed off during RQ, he said i made improvements and i am speaking better now teehee :) sidetrack: he questioned my integrity for my i&r because he said the language was too sophisticated for a jieai, and i was like 'excuse you?! i made improvements all these times???' <<< rude rude rude omg & of course i improved please. All the work i did for pw since the start of the year, and all the proposal writing + admin i did, seriously i didn't improve, isn't it more embarrassing omg, he rude kid omg RUDE RUDE RUDE
^ did mailing too & start of the pms jieai smh ._.lll
Thurs: wanted to wonder around the streets for the whole day, but had impromptu meetup again & went for cycling. Many many things are still on my mind though oh well .......
^ it will get better right?
Fri: meeting with weiran again & weekends: malaysia again
OP real shit coming in on tues, dreading it and can't wait for it to end?? oh well, let nature takes its course, i guess??
okay, drama time. goodnights
lazy & weird & blur & loud < jieai is summary
//
Friday, October 30, 2015
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
莫名
不知道为什么，今天一整天不太开心，特别是一切结束了，更感觉到闷闷不乐。也不知是为了什么，就感觉到不开心。也许是生理期要来了吧，尽想吃东西，种类一大堆，又觉得心情非常低沉，有好想好想吃甜的，可是，炸鸡又在召唤我了，刚才又差点跑去吃面了。总之，其实也不是很清楚自己想要什么。
今天也特感到孤单。一个人搭了50分钟的巴，有闲逛了两间百货商场，走了走了特别特别多路。今天的我，特别想有同伴，特别不想一个人，脑子里有许多许多的可能，却一个一个又被自已用理由盖过去了。打给妈妈，妈妈没听，其实更失望了。打回家，终于有人听了，原来世界，老天还没放弃我。他点了肯德基，终于似乎找到了来此的理由，买了炸鸡，回家。
回家的路，越发远，越发累。突然间，竟想就坐着，一动也不动。就让身边的一切继续进行，继续流动吧。好累，好累，早已没了前进的动力，失去了原有的力量。真的只想就这样，就这样静静坐着，看着人来人往，川流不息。
不知道了，不想知道了。可能，睡一觉就没事了。可能吧。
那，晚安了。
//
今天也特感到孤单。一个人搭了50分钟的巴，有闲逛了两间百货商场，走了走了特别特别多路。今天的我，特别想有同伴，特别不想一个人，脑子里有许多许多的可能，却一个一个又被自已用理由盖过去了。打给妈妈，妈妈没听，其实更失望了。打回家，终于有人听了，原来世界，老天还没放弃我。他点了肯德基，终于似乎找到了来此的理由，买了炸鸡，回家。
回家的路，越发远，越发累。突然间，竟想就坐着，一动也不动。就让身边的一切继续进行，继续流动吧。好累，好累，早已没了前进的动力，失去了原有的力量。真的只想就这样，就这样静静坐着，看着人来人往，川流不息。
不知道了，不想知道了。可能，睡一觉就没事了。可能吧。
那，晚安了。
//
Yes, I Do
What is Marriage?
Some say it is the start of a brand new life.
Some say it is the graveyard of a sweet relationship.
At the age of 17, i really don't know what is marriage. I have so many questions and doubts about marriage. Neither will i be ready to accept someone into my life & tell myself that 'yes, he is the one all this while & yes, i wanna spend the rest of my life with him'
All the dramas, all the soap operas on tv, they picture relationships, picture love, picture marriage into something that is way too sweet and dreamy, way too romantic; but we often forgotten the pain, fear, discomfort and sorrows behind all these sweet sweet image.
'Will you, Groom/Bride, take ___ as your lawful wedded wife/husband, protecting her/him, and tending to her/his needs through illness and disappointment? Will you strive to understand her/him, giving her/him comfort when she/he seeks it from you? Will you try never to say in anger that which you wouldn't say in friendship? And when each night comes, will you got to sleep with thanks for her/his presence at your side and renewed love for her/him in your heart?'
^ yes, i copied this from somewhere & but actually, i am still very touched by all the words. they are the very standard ones but i always feel so much whenever i see them.
I witnessed a declaration and pronouncement of marriage today. Honestly, i didn't want to be there, but now i guess it was worth to wake up early from bed for it. There was no decorations, the venue was a simple one, and there was no great or romantic ambiance or extraordinary ceremonies, but just a very simple reading the declaration & saying 'Yes, I Do'. (Omg, that couple even forget to bring their wedding rings oh dear god) Maybe, it was just a simple reciting whatever that was printed on the book, but at that moment, i realised, no matter how long a couple has been in a relationship, watched how much the other party had changed all these years of spending time together, when you said 'I Do', you are ready, and you know that, he/she is the one that you are going to spend the rest of your life with. There are still ten thousands chances and opportunities left out there in the world, but you ain't going to look around anymore, because you are certain, you are very sure that, the one that is right in front of you, the one that you are reciting to is the one and only you need in your life.
And when all these happen, after going through all the hassle of the preparation for marriage, after being so certain and telling yourself that 'no, i am not going to regret anymore', why is there still divorce? Why are people screaming their heads off over real trivial matters, things that should have been resolved or already be made known to each other before you decide to sign your marriage certificate?
Yes, you can say i am only 17 and way too naive to know about the outside world, to know about the adults' world. I am not going to doubt that. My life experiences are still very limited too, no doubt. I just feel that since the both of you have decided to come together, you should know that without any pain, you can't gain anything. No sacrifices, no rewards. You can't always get things your way and neither should you always be the one comprising. It is all about striking a balance, finding your own voice and understanding your partner's needs as well. I am honestly disgusted with couples that swore to love each other until their next life, and even want to have each other as their spouse once again, and i am just like 'seriously, are you kidding me? you have yet to have enough of your unacceptable ways of your husband/wife?' i don't want, i just feel that fate brought us together this life, so let's just cherish all the good times and moments together and make sure, we are able to leave without regrets, knowing that you and your partner have been really good to each other and thankful for each other for the journey together. In your next life, i am willing to let you go and allow you to find a new one. And similarly, for yourself too! You are also now free to find another partner whom you know that 'yes, it is possible to another one that i know i can spend the rest of my life with'.
But, i am actually touched with the words found in the declaration today. Yes, there is still hope in the world, yes there is. I am willing to believe that my future partner will be there for me after we have swore our love for each other. It may not be easy, but since i have made this decision, i am willing to have that courage and make sure my marriage will work out. There is only one chance in this life, so make sure we grab hold of it really really really well.
Yes, marriage didn't ask for a couple to live together for the next thousands of years, but it was clear that we must always be there for each other through thick and thin, rich or poor. It doesn't matter how things turned out in the end, it is the process and the time that spent together that make your marriage life worthy. You can be the most envious couple by the world, but you are probably nothing when you are unhappy in your marriage. To me, the happiest couple doesn't have to be the richest couple or the couple with the greatest fame and glory. The happiest couple is both partners know that, no matter what happens, no matter what they are facing or whatever obstacles in their way, either one will not let go the other partner's hand. They will hold on tightly onto each other and brace through all life challenges together.
Today, i am touched. Really touched, because i know this couple is going to go far and go long, because they have watched each other grew all these times, but they know, they still want each other for the rest of their life. (:
'Find the most suitable one, not the best one.'
//
Some say it is the start of a brand new life.
Some say it is the graveyard of a sweet relationship.
At the age of 17, i really don't know what is marriage. I have so many questions and doubts about marriage. Neither will i be ready to accept someone into my life & tell myself that 'yes, he is the one all this while & yes, i wanna spend the rest of my life with him'
All the dramas, all the soap operas on tv, they picture relationships, picture love, picture marriage into something that is way too sweet and dreamy, way too romantic; but we often forgotten the pain, fear, discomfort and sorrows behind all these sweet sweet image.
'Will you, Groom/Bride, take ___ as your lawful wedded wife/husband, protecting her/him, and tending to her/his needs through illness and disappointment? Will you strive to understand her/him, giving her/him comfort when she/he seeks it from you? Will you try never to say in anger that which you wouldn't say in friendship? And when each night comes, will you got to sleep with thanks for her/his presence at your side and renewed love for her/him in your heart?'
^ yes, i copied this from somewhere & but actually, i am still very touched by all the words. they are the very standard ones but i always feel so much whenever i see them.
I witnessed a declaration and pronouncement of marriage today. Honestly, i didn't want to be there, but now i guess it was worth to wake up early from bed for it. There was no decorations, the venue was a simple one, and there was no great or romantic ambiance or extraordinary ceremonies, but just a very simple reading the declaration & saying 'Yes, I Do'. (Omg, that couple even forget to bring their wedding rings oh dear god) Maybe, it was just a simple reciting whatever that was printed on the book, but at that moment, i realised, no matter how long a couple has been in a relationship, watched how much the other party had changed all these years of spending time together, when you said 'I Do', you are ready, and you know that, he/she is the one that you are going to spend the rest of your life with. There are still ten thousands chances and opportunities left out there in the world, but you ain't going to look around anymore, because you are certain, you are very sure that, the one that is right in front of you, the one that you are reciting to is the one and only you need in your life.
And when all these happen, after going through all the hassle of the preparation for marriage, after being so certain and telling yourself that 'no, i am not going to regret anymore', why is there still divorce? Why are people screaming their heads off over real trivial matters, things that should have been resolved or already be made known to each other before you decide to sign your marriage certificate?
Yes, you can say i am only 17 and way too naive to know about the outside world, to know about the adults' world. I am not going to doubt that. My life experiences are still very limited too, no doubt. I just feel that since the both of you have decided to come together, you should know that without any pain, you can't gain anything. No sacrifices, no rewards. You can't always get things your way and neither should you always be the one comprising. It is all about striking a balance, finding your own voice and understanding your partner's needs as well. I am honestly disgusted with couples that swore to love each other until their next life, and even want to have each other as their spouse once again, and i am just like 'seriously, are you kidding me? you have yet to have enough of your unacceptable ways of your husband/wife?' i don't want, i just feel that fate brought us together this life, so let's just cherish all the good times and moments together and make sure, we are able to leave without regrets, knowing that you and your partner have been really good to each other and thankful for each other for the journey together. In your next life, i am willing to let you go and allow you to find a new one. And similarly, for yourself too! You are also now free to find another partner whom you know that 'yes, it is possible to another one that i know i can spend the rest of my life with'.
But, i am actually touched with the words found in the declaration today. Yes, there is still hope in the world, yes there is. I am willing to believe that my future partner will be there for me after we have swore our love for each other. It may not be easy, but since i have made this decision, i am willing to have that courage and make sure my marriage will work out. There is only one chance in this life, so make sure we grab hold of it really really really well.
Yes, marriage didn't ask for a couple to live together for the next thousands of years, but it was clear that we must always be there for each other through thick and thin, rich or poor. It doesn't matter how things turned out in the end, it is the process and the time that spent together that make your marriage life worthy. You can be the most envious couple by the world, but you are probably nothing when you are unhappy in your marriage. To me, the happiest couple doesn't have to be the richest couple or the couple with the greatest fame and glory. The happiest couple is both partners know that, no matter what happens, no matter what they are facing or whatever obstacles in their way, either one will not let go the other partner's hand. They will hold on tightly onto each other and brace through all life challenges together.
Today, i am touched. Really touched, because i know this couple is going to go far and go long, because they have watched each other grew all these times, but they know, they still want each other for the rest of their life. (:
'Find the most suitable one, not the best one.'
//
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Remaining Updates
Didn't update about wed, thurs and fri, so here it is. Going to go back again tmr since i got wedding to attend, but i haven't done any packing yet. This week, i am blogging quite a bit but i guess there was too much things and relationships i need to patch up and reconcile? oh well, what is new coming from jieai right?
Wed: another day of slacking and sleeping in the morning in the council room, but chuken came along to the room & was rather unexpected because he always have lessons in the morning. But i guess, things always happened at the most unexpected times right? we had a good 1.5 hour of h2h and i actually told him about what i am most afraid of... it wasn't something that i expected myself to say, considering the situation and context but idk why, i guess that fear scared and terrified and traumatized me so much, when i just need a slight reminder or mention about it, i will start crying and then cannot stop after that. It was such a bad memory, but i definitely don't want that to happen anymore, because i am not ready, just not ready yet. maybe 40,50, or 60 years from now, i will tell myself to face reality and time to learn to accept the truth, but for now, just let me continue to wish for the little greediness i have in me and nothing will change for the next 40-60 years. and yes, it was a good h2h, because we were sharing really personal and private stuff since a while so yeah, thankful that for 1.5hr :) oh, and let me tell you why the situation is awkward, nicholas was also in the room, but he was sleeping & it was just us three in the room, i swear it was such a weird combi. the day continued with more practice for op but i guess the highlight was at the end of the day. for this entire week, each and every singly day, we were planning to go home together, but even until thurs, for four days straight, it never happened. HAHAH. i guess this is why we are telepathic, we worked better when we don't plan or expect anything from either party. anyway, i ended up going for prata with his clique & tingkai. it was rather alright, and i would say this is the third time i sat down and had a proper convo with them all (: it was a good time spent because i am really thankful that they were very accepting towards me and they allowed me to join them for meals and convo. Obviously, when i decide to be there, i am defintely prepared to get shoot down or teased the whole time, but minus that part, everything was alright & i genuinely enjoyed their presence and company a lot (: it was probably one of the day that i had quite some fun since the week sigh....because everything was just going wrong for pw omg. oh and banana prata is so good & on point la omg, love it so much yay. and yes, it was the perfect end to that tiring day :)
Thurs: actually i didn't have to report for sch, because my group wasn't scheduled a slot for our practice or audience, but he said our group is one of the better group so he actually made us present in front of all his students omg, and the presentation was at 3 please friends. so i needed to be in school from 740 and until 3 please smh. But after all the small practicing and lazing around, we presented but our presentation was cut because lack of time, and smh cut just right after my part omg so done with life please. anyway, was really drained after the entire day, and didn't get to go home with chuken again because he had pw in the end. see, i tell you it will never worked out HAHAHA.
Fri: nothing much today and i didn't attend school bc dry run officially commence and people that are not involved on those days don't have to report to school. afternoon was just drama, skype with chuken & also i completed my i&r and tbh, i am quite proud of my work because it was legit through some hardwork on the brain and also much research. once again, i open more than 20 tabs, but it is okay, because compared to draft 1, it is definitely something better and more presentable please. teehee. :3
anyway, it is getting late and i have enough of lectures for the day already. need to wake up as early as 5/6am tmr sigh. time to go now. goodnights
//
Friday, October 23, 2015
Should or Want?
Stuck between what i should do vs what i wanna do? Mood rather low now because i am honestly at a lost sigh. It is not easy, especially when you have ten thousands repeated stories and lectures behind you, eating and dragging you back. What i should do since i only have pw, and pw is only left with op and i&r; maybe i should start studying again? Or maybe i should contribute more to the house? Contributing to the house is still alright, but i just can't bring myself to study though idk why either sigh. It has been three weeks since exams ended and i already have friends knowing if they should retain or promote. For me, i don't know. i really don't know. i wanna tell myself that maybe i did make it, but then i see econs come hunting me down. But similarly, it is econs that makes me feel that yes i am not going to be able to make it. Maybe i should really try studying a bit right? Retain or promote, i still have to study right? Retain or promote, i am still going to take my A levels right?
What i really wanna do is just be myself, and maybe just indulge in all my random shows and sleep?? But that is way too useless and no life isn't it? But tbh, i can't bring myself to watch dramas too. Mama cannot stop complaining me and drama but she has no idea i haven't been watching anything much since exams ended. i spent a lot of time sleeping honestly, especially in school. And i am spending much more time stoning and staring into space too. i am just .... i guess, lost? Okay, maybe i am following two dramas, but it will only take 4 hours per week and then, after watching, i become even more lost and start to question more, what should i do now? sigh, when i was studying, i yearn for a break so much. and when i am really free like right now, i start to stone much much more and ask myself everyday, what should i do now? when there was farewell last week, the days passed by really really much faster... and now, op is finally confirmed. two weeks from now, which also means i am only left with two more weeks of denial before shit is going to get real and maybe i will finally know my fate right? sigh, why is everything so hard la ): if only mama just let me go for this month, and then i can just enjoy what i want because i know for sure, after this month, everything will back to where it all started, and my life will also be just revolved around more studies and orientation. And recently, because of all the bullshit in life, especially coming from pw and home, i became someone that is rather selfish and kind of can't be bothered with what others have to say or think about my actions. Maybe that is also the reason why i offended many of my friends with my actions and words recently. But, for once, i forgo mama and just on the com to watch my drama and honestly don't any shit about her anymore. i really just wanna watch my show and enjoy that little moment of happiness and forget about everything else. Yes and no, it is two ways. i became rather annoying and rude because of my unthoughtful words and actions, but because i was slightly more concerned about myself than others, than other times, i learnt to put myself before others and enjoying that little happiness i have now. But i think, soon i will be going back already. Maybe i should stop and just be more considerate about the others that's all. That is more like a me, more like a jieai. sigh, i tried to change but i am having more trouble than before, so since it is no helping, then lets just give up and return everything back to its original position then. i think, maybe things will be better this way. i am so tired of all the naggings and lectures that is forever always there, but yet i never regret what i do that is for sure. anyway, i need to stop all these stupid feelings and thoughts in me. things are going to get better right? i genuinely hope so too.... whatever it is, i am just going to be a bit more selfish until the end of pw, and let me just enjoy that bit more of my kind of happiness, though it sounds rather selfish. let things be better soon sigh... goodnight.
//
What i really wanna do is just be myself, and maybe just indulge in all my random shows and sleep?? But that is way too useless and no life isn't it? But tbh, i can't bring myself to watch dramas too. Mama cannot stop complaining me and drama but she has no idea i haven't been watching anything much since exams ended. i spent a lot of time sleeping honestly, especially in school. And i am spending much more time stoning and staring into space too. i am just .... i guess, lost? Okay, maybe i am following two dramas, but it will only take 4 hours per week and then, after watching, i become even more lost and start to question more, what should i do now? sigh, when i was studying, i yearn for a break so much. and when i am really free like right now, i start to stone much much more and ask myself everyday, what should i do now? when there was farewell last week, the days passed by really really much faster... and now, op is finally confirmed. two weeks from now, which also means i am only left with two more weeks of denial before shit is going to get real and maybe i will finally know my fate right? sigh, why is everything so hard la ): if only mama just let me go for this month, and then i can just enjoy what i want because i know for sure, after this month, everything will back to where it all started, and my life will also be just revolved around more studies and orientation. And recently, because of all the bullshit in life, especially coming from pw and home, i became someone that is rather selfish and kind of can't be bothered with what others have to say or think about my actions. Maybe that is also the reason why i offended many of my friends with my actions and words recently. But, for once, i forgo mama and just on the com to watch my drama and honestly don't any shit about her anymore. i really just wanna watch my show and enjoy that little moment of happiness and forget about everything else. Yes and no, it is two ways. i became rather annoying and rude because of my unthoughtful words and actions, but because i was slightly more concerned about myself than others, than other times, i learnt to put myself before others and enjoying that little happiness i have now. But i think, soon i will be going back already. Maybe i should stop and just be more considerate about the others that's all. That is more like a me, more like a jieai. sigh, i tried to change but i am having more trouble than before, so since it is no helping, then lets just give up and return everything back to its original position then. i think, maybe things will be better this way. i am so tired of all the naggings and lectures that is forever always there, but yet i never regret what i do that is for sure. anyway, i need to stop all these stupid feelings and thoughts in me. things are going to get better right? i genuinely hope so too.... whatever it is, i am just going to be a bit more selfish until the end of pw, and let me just enjoy that bit more of my kind of happiness, though it sounds rather selfish. let things be better soon sigh... goodnight.
//
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