So many many human dramas that happened omg, and so so many incidents took place too. I honestly lost track of how many but this week i really got a lot a lot to share..
MON : Firstly, continue from last week, last thurs, i was so affected by the entire incident and he utterly just destroyed my mood the entire day. After whatever i blogged, i received his reply at 5plus in the morning on sun. I was shocked and initally i didn't wanna open it, because i really didn't have the confident to face it. I wasn't ready, if you want to put it that way, i didn't want to face him yet, but i happened to be talking to chuken about it (i called him at around 3/4plus and we ended up on Skype until 6plus. Guys, i watch the sunrise because i didn't go back to bed) and then chuken made me open it and then yeah, he wanted to read it for me. I opened it and when i saw the length, (i am so useless here omg) i actually wanted to take back whatever i said i wanted to do, like i didn't mind taking everything back and then return to before. It was just a long text and i haven't even read through, and i was all ready to forego everything once again. But, when i read through, i honestly have zero ideas what he was saying and then i am just lost in his text and that speaks in legit english that requires much thoughts and explanations. And most importantly, he didn't answer my question and then it just brought me all the way down again. It was so awful because i was so affected by his actions, his words. They can be the same thing that gave me hopes, bringing up to the beautiful mountains scenes, but then later, it was by the same pair of hand that sent me all the way down again to the rock bottom and crushing all my hopes again. I was so lost and i did not know how to reply and i was just blur and chuken did me the favour by replying him for me. I even gave up and went to watch videos lmao. There were so many awful, weird and fundamentally unexplained feelings in me. I did not know how and what to react, and i just want to like shut everything away and then run away from all of them. I am only 17, with really limited life experiences. And apparently, not enough to teach me or direct me the way to go. And after that reply that we sent him, i did not hear from him for the entire day and then he only decided to reply him on mon 4plus late in the afternoon. For once, i just felt so terrible and disgusted and the first ever thought that came to my mind was, 'where is chuken? i need him now' it wasn't of any thoughts, but it was just 'no i don't want to talk to you anymore and then i am just beyond speechless already'. He spoiled my mood for pe lesson and rehearsal, i was so quiet and so down and i didn't interact much too. At that moment, i really wanted to just walk out of the school and go home straight, There were so many things on my mind but i couldn't really focus on them all because i couldn't bring myself up. I even somewhat just vented on my fellow group members which i felt bad now because they didn't know what happened and similarly, they didn't do anything wrong either. But, at that point of time, i couldn't stop myself either. I felt so mean now sigh. Sorry friends, you guys don't deserve any of that, i apologized for my immature actions that day. And when finally it was all over, i felt so drained, both mentally and physically. It was just at that moment, i didn't want to do anything else but to just sit down and stare blankly into space. It was one of those moments that i just want to shut everything away and be left all alone and maybe, get some sleep too and just cry all my heart out. It was so terrible. So so terrible. I felt so awful and depressed over it but i couldn't do anything about it too. Now that i think back, i really wanted to hug that day jieai so much now, she was going through so much all by herself and then there is that one dude that is just being really selfish with his words and actions. Even Muhila realised how bad jieai looked that day and she pulled her out to talk about it. I can't stop cursing and swearing because i cannot really processed what was on my mind and i just felt that this is all way too hard for me. Even Melissa came, everyone was saying that i should ignore him and whatnot, but idk why, ignoring was one thing but the most important thing i needed to do, i need to tell myself to get rid of him completely out of my mind because i couldn't do anything else. Honestly, even Nicholas was a better person omg. He saw how bad i looked because i can't hide anymore, and he even asked me 'are you okay' Honestly, i really didn't expect that. I was genuinely shocked and touched, like even he is such a better dude now. And i think he also moved on already yay. I went home, with the heaviest and most ridiculous heart and body and soul. I teared a bit on the way home but i couldn't show it all out because there is still people at home that i can't say anything about it. I was holding onto myself so so much, i even spoke super soft and really gentle because i cannot let anyone, especially the mum to sense anything different. I didn't know how i got through the night but there was this moment that i felt slightly light-hearted with all the comfort and distractions from my friends. But that night, the very same night, Rose decided to be an asshole and add on to the already distorted me. She rather believe and just take whatever she felt and thought, instead of hearing me out, hearing my explanations. she shut me away just like that and then she wanted to shove everything under the carpet. I was like, you are in the wrong and you decide how this convo end? No bitch, you come out and explain yourself omg. I was so pissed off that night that i really just lost all my cool and almost lashed it all out at her. Weiran was also raging at her because of some of her spiteful and harsh comments that turned out to be a joke (from Rose' POV). But unfortunately, you picked the wrong timing when, everything you said, to the smallest detail, jieai took note that day. I was so annoyed with her and i ended up talking to weiran all about it. We were just ranting and raging altogether and then finally, zhengwei issue came into the convo. I sent her the entire long text about the entire point and then her response just made felt so comforted all at once and she spoke the real truth and she broke the wall that i built and held onto since last week. 'stop loving people at the expense of yourself' and at that moment, instantly, whatever i held onto, came crashing all down at me. I broke down. I broke down and cried and cried. And then i realized, i was just being too harsh to myself, i didn't even allow myself to feel how i wanted to feel. 'who is he and why am i so affected by it' 'you need to learn to kick him out of your life now' 'the journey is going to be tough' 'but i believe that you can do it'
And then, i can't stop crying. It was just how much i was containing myself and i even refused to let them out. Even when everything happened, i continued to ill-treat myself so so much. I was so wrong. So so wrong. After that night, weiran woke me up. She was right. I need to learn to let go. I need to learn to ignore. Or else, it will be me, and only me that is hurt and affected. I ignored him the rest of the week, but he couldn't stop texting me which actually pissed me off even more, but i grey ticked all. I don't want to talk to you anymore, and i need to stop being affected by him. And now, I felt so much better. Though the notis is still there, but i know that i am feeling much much better now.
And now, everything is all out and every single detail is being written here, this will officially close this burdensome issue and that, i am going to move on from here and learn to take care of myself more now.
YES FINALLY MOVING ON OH YAYYYYYYY
TUES : Jacq came crashing to tpj to pass me my birthday present, HAHA. It was also near her house but it was so good to see her again and thankful for her existence and presence in my sec school days. Can;t wait for meetup after exams omg
And then stupid Rose finally realised her mistakes and then she was in the wrong the entire time and we finally cleared our misunderstandings.
I hate misunderstandings, and i hate it with all my life. No matter how much hatred or dislike i have against you, i will calm myself down and come back to you and we just need to get it solved and settled. (friends, take note okay)
WED : final rehearsal before the main performance. We really really improved so so much and i am proud to be in this team. We were so good and we just worked things out in less than 2 weeks, we faced a lot of trouble but we worked it all out. It wasn't smooth-sailing considering my group changed our beat three times but yes, it was all worth it. And this is the time, and i am just thankful i joined this big family yay (:
THURS : D-DAY Performance was smooth, backstage work was excellent and on point and i didn'y screw anything up, please give me a round of applause woohoo. And i went back to my temple. Going back was just one of the most correct decision i made. Not only i met all my old friends and teachers, i reunited with the old jieai and i couldn't be more than thankful. I was so embarrassing and being a legit hobo, a pig, a nuisance, a rowdy kid, a wild dog and idk, basically jieai. But, i was so comfortable, so relaxed and homed (: I went into the staffroom, roam around the room, steal food, grab leftovers, sat on the floor and started talking screaming really really loudly. Oh, i was jumping around too. HAHAHA. And when i told the teachers that i had an image in tpj, every single teacher that once taught me either started laughing or just gave the 'are you kidding me' stare omg HAHAH. It was so funny but then i didn't bother and just felt like it is okay guys, i improved too. HAHAH
And then, i went for lunch too with poop too. I spent most of my time laughing and talking crap but i felt so so happy and yeah, i cannot really decide how i feel but it was just peace at heart. :)
FRI : econs lesson + mini study session at airport
And i conclude this weekend that is full of many many many ups and downs. I went from rock bottom to cloud nine, a hell ride. I couldn't really remember how i got through all, but i am just so glad and thankful it is all over.
Promos are coming and this is the start of my sept holidays, Going to make full use of it and make sure the time spent is both productive and worthwhile.
Countdown : 16 more days
'With the will and determination, come the strength and power to conquer anything.' Yes, i can do this.
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