🌷💙

it hurts so much
it hurts so much
& I really wanna cry.

You have been nothing but amazing & I never feel that I am deserving for everything you have done or said to me. It's a vicious cycle of enjoying and loving everything and being just so happy at that point of time but then the aftermath, it's unbearable it's painful it's too depressing for my own good.
But, I can't run away and I can't escape.

For the first time, I felt that I was a girl and someone is really treasuring me so much.
For the first time, someone actually take note of everything and anything I said and do, and you never question why.
For the first time, someone listen out to me, rain or shine, good or bad, happy or sad.
For the first time, someone genuinely appreciate me, compliment me & tell me that, yes I'm able to do it and yes I'm able to become someone better.

Why are you always the one that knows what and when and where to say and do?
Why are you always the one that sees me at my lowest point in life?
Why are you always the one that that reciporate me and my actions and words?

I never really broke down once, except for farewell graduation day. But at the point of losing myself and just wanna cry my heart out, I lost count of them.
It's so painful liking someone that doesn't like you back and it's so annoying because feelings ain't helping and they choose to always do the otherwise.
But that aside, I never regret. I never walk back the old path. Given the same choice once more, yes I will pick you all over again and yes I will go through everything once more. Without any hesitation.
Because you showed me that really, I'm someone that is deserve to be loved.

I like you, i really do.
And no matter what happens, I'm thankful for you & you are nothing but a blessing 💙

I like you, I really do :)

I like christmas, I like the christmas lights, I like the christmas decorations, I like the atmosphere & I like you J

I like purple, I like ice cream, I like balloons, I like flowers & I like you J

I can’t pick, I like the flowers, I like you. I guess I will take both then J

I can’t decide what is better, you or the decorations.

I love purple so much, so so much. But you know what, I pick you over purple any other day J

I don’t know what is worse, me taking interest about tigers and blue or you liking purple and being dumb hahaha

I can’t believe I will pick you over purple, I must have like you a lot.

I don’t know who is worse, dumb me or idiot you.

I will never get over the fact that I like you, I am really insane.

Thank you for being you, that’s what it makes you extra amazing and wonderful.

I like you, I like you so much that it scares me.

I was going to forget how much I can actually like someone and then you came into the picture.

I hate how I am so easily affected by you, but you know what, I can’t do anything about it, & those things are controlling me very very well.

I must have like you enough to let you hurt me over and over again, but I still seek for your presence whenever possible.

It is so painful to like you, it is so painful that I feel that I am always ready to cry over and over again about this.

At the end of the day, I never regret choosing you. No matter what happens. You are really one of the greatest takeaway of 2016. And you will still shine so brightly no matter how much I loathe 2016. Thank you for everything you have done. You made me feel amazing, you allow me to be me.

I like you, I really do J

You are not even the GOOD anymore, you’re the GREAT one J

🐶🐶

You're one of a kind & You're my favourite kind 💜💙💜💙

Blue 💙

7 July, not my day but why am i affected seriously omg but okay, it is blue birthday!!!!!

Panicked when i couldn't think of what to get for him but thankfully, eventually i got him something :))) it wasn't a real grand present and all and i legit had a hard time thinking what to buy for him but hey!!!! it was a nice present okay!!!!! And omg i need to talk about what happened on that day actually omg 

So i met him after my last paper & wanted to pass him his present and wished him happy birthday and i will go off but oh well, when i saw him and was going to pass him, he actually opened his arms first..... Okay, i was genuinely surprised and definitely wasn't expecting that from him okay!!!!! It was a nice friendly hug but the entire afternoon afterwards, whenever i think back, i find myself smiling and giggling wthhhhhh and okay, it was a nice hug teehee :)) and because he iniitiated it, that's what made everything SOMEWHAT nice hahahaha fml seriously.....

And then, birthday boy was real happy and all hahaha.

Oh we talked and catch up a bit really!!!!! It was genuinely nothing much but idk why i feel really happy and all!!!!

Was supposed to watch finding dory together, all thanks to mum and her real stubborn brain and a mindset that is still stuck back into the 80s and 90s urgh fml seriously omg

Texted him in the night also and that idiot just had to say thank you aunty, i whack you i tell you hahaha but okay la, i had to apologise for my real dumb mistake and all and also just telling him everything about the present hahaha, and really he said it is really blessed to get to know me & i was just like, i felt more blessed hahaha fml this is definitely driving my more than crazy omg seriously 

Everything is wrong & everything is forbidden and all but i can't seemed to do anything about it and then i really wanna stop my feelings and everything from becoming worse but idk why, it doesn't seemed to be working wtffff and i really hate myself for all of that i swear omg seriously urgh

And i told hidayah about it and the fact that she was said for me and like she ship us and all but i told her she cannot ship, because even i myself i myself is forbidden to do it. It is wrong, since day 1. Anf the fact that i am falling deeper and deeper ain't helping either. I honestly still very unsure about my feelings because i am also confused as well. It feels like i do feel something for him and i do have feelings for him but i can't really say i like him as well?? I feel that it is still something lesser than that?? Plus, i won't really classified our relationship as 'some' because i definitely feel it is lesser than that. 

This is driving me crazy and i really hope that this is one-sided and urgh, FINE even though it is mutual, even though the possibility is lesser than 0.000000001%, please NEVER EVER let me know because i can't even think what will happened to me and my real dumb feelings seriously urgh. When mama is worry that he like me, i am more worried of the real truth, that the feelings is from here ot there instead fml. I really need to work everything out myself and i really want this precious friendship altogether. It is definitely so much more worthy that this stupid insignificant shit right now sigh...... 

'More than confusing, more than conflicting. I want it to stop and end, but defintely and certainly it is not happening. Sigh...'

//

How Are You? // Half A Year into 2016

How Are You? Getting lazier and lazier about blogging, partly also due to the fact that there isn't any phone oh well. But, tbh nothing major or great happened to my life so i don't feel the need to blog also oh well. Being wrapped around with books and everyday it is all about studying, catching up with work & trying to complete as much work or revision as possible.
Got caught in drama again, and found the love for it again. Always love how drama is my escape from life, from reality, from people and etc. Always feel the best and it is all just plain spazzing and fantasizing over the characters and storyline and all. Ryu Jun Yeol is current new bae, because that guy is hell no handsome or pretty, but he is hella cute and freaking attractive fml seriously. Another Kim Woo Bin, because you can't felt but feel attracted to him omg seriously. Recent addiction: tiger & luck/lucky charm (fml, when i thought about tiger, jeevan came into mind again wth i need to stop seriously.....) Btw, lucky romance is really fun and comforting to watch :) ost is also soothing and the entire drama is very simple, without much conspiracy or conflicts or jealousy/anger feelings and whatso :) definitely the perfect drama for me to watch currently. I need to run away from this world just for a moment please.

SAs was generally alright as a whole, i would say. That one month of hardwork somewhat paid off & for once, i could actually attempt all questions and didn't leave any blanks anywhere omg. Slept for 3 hours per day before i take the papers, but surprisingly even more awake and could focus better?? seriously considering to do the same thing as well during As omg. Like i am going to deliberately screw up the body clock and not going to sleep too much, because it makes the body yearning for sleep and bed even more so yeah. Plus, the exam dates are quite spread out isn't it? omg, should i?? So tempted too as well omg.... But also told myself to perform well so that i can party like mad on 2/7.

GP: only started preparing the night before, and had to selectively study as well. Started memorising 330 onwards when i couldn't sleep anymore and wow, i just bombed everything and i kind of could spot one of the questions so i was quite lucky about that
Econs: case study was really tough and how can most my answers be similar fml. Thank god for essays but honestly not sure how much can he essays help because fml, everything was so tough sigh..... (and my feelings are always wrong urgh)
Maths: probably the best paper out of all seriously omg. Thank god i did the Alevel 2015 paper because it is really quite similar and omg!!!!! Please let me do well for maths omg!!!!!!!
Geo: probably the second time i attempted all questions lmao after promos seriously. But not very sure and confident about my answers though....still feel there's some things that are lacking but i can't really pinpoint it out as well fml seriously. And wow, i didn't get the hints for the human geo part, but dumb lena set something else and because i didn't get the hint so of course i didn't study that and wow, she came out with something else and i could write because i studied that and know it was rather important and all wow. Is this a blessing in disguise?? idk man, was panicking just few minutes before the paper because i missed out on the hints but she didn't test them at all??? wow whats going on man seriously. Physical geo essay was real surprising but was happy and sad at the same time?? Can't believe she tested both atmo wow... And also could feel that she was trying to save those that didn't study??? a lot of marks are allocated for descriptions and she ask real basic stuff??? I am always so uncertain and worried about my geo answers, especially DRQs fml. I just can't seemed to apply seriously, like econs case study fml omg i just can't seemed do it urgh so annoyed at that part of me. Just praying for a good pass fml
Chi: when schoool is weird enough to have it on their own birthday???? bless the school seriously. But oh well, i ended earlier than most science people so not complaining HAHAHA
It was a mixture of doable and there was so level of difficulty but i think i can pass bah??? Just need to perform for the upcoming language paper so that i can secure a decent score for chinese really. mama is putting too much pressure on chinese fml seriously

***** met up with jeevan after chinese paper & thank god for him because he completed my strenuous week properly *(^+^)* bingsu was on point & catching up was great as well!!!!! but poor jeevan is really feeling it already so really quite worried about that part of him sigh ....... )))): genuinely praying that eventually everything will work out for him sigh!!!1 stay strong my dear!!!!!

2/7: one of the best day of 2016 seriously. Housewarming party was beyond madness and the scale was so huge freak!!!!!! the buffet table, malay buffet, satay station, and plus the one that kept me the most excited and i looked forward to the most----the mini lunlun table!!!!! fml, i died so hard at everything and it was just plain so much fun!!!!!! fireworks were put up as well fml omg and the entire day was just running around, snapping everything around me, non-stop eating and non-stop giggling and all omg :')))))

& fml, why must alan asked me out omfg........can't and seriously don't dare to reject him fml omg. weiran is right, i need to end things right now and seriously leave no traces or hope but urgh, how am i going to bring it up bless me.......Urgh i still got another week plus to consider everything omg....
(friends, i actuall forgotten my birthday is coming until mama kind of reminded me!!! for 18 years of my life, this is the first time i forgotten about my birthday and freak!!!! i forgotten my 18th birthday bless me omg!!!!!)

& bless me part 2, because this month is july month, i am not thinking straight when i am buying stuff, have been using the excuse of, 'this is my month' and i am just impulse buying so much stuff......Bought a wallet & adidas stans smith wow and i am considering to oneshot buying more shoes wth... And spending a lot of money this month definitely unhealthy af omg seriously. But can't seemed to stop.....

Last week of holidays was just pure continuing of studying, and seriously so much for fixing my sleeping patterns and i ended up screwing up even more??? There was these two days, one i slept at 7 and the other one is slept at 9?? And that day that i slept at 7, i woke up at 5 in the afternoon?????!!!! i practically slept my entire day away omg what???? and what kind of fixing when the earliest i slept was only at 3plus and it was only the night before i forced myself to sleep at 1230 but still ended up sleeping for only 3 hours and waking up at 330am and couldn't sleep anymore afterwards. But was definitely knocked out after econs wow. But one thing unbelievable about this holiday was i actually finished around 80% of what i want to accomplish/covered??? This is rather productive for someone like me omg wow HAHAHA
Oh well, i could say this holiday i am rather productive and probably one of the very few times i didn't had to worry about recovering because i didn't even had the time to think of any other things oh well. But thank god for the right mindset and right attitude i perceived during the holidays really :)))))

And yeap, i guesses this is generally everything that happened to me these few weeks :)
hari raya tmr, vvv happy for another public holiday hahaha, chinese language paper on thurs & jeevan birthday as well & really really hoping i can watch finding dory with him!!!
lessons are going to resume next week and thank god for this week because desperately trying to complete the homework and i am back to essays writing!!!!!! and really, my one week of break for that month of hardwork i put in hahaha :)))))

24july is approaching!!!!! honestly, mixed feelings i would say!!! quite excited about it but also feel that i shouldn't be expecting so much because it is during the weekends & everyone is busy as well!!!! and plus, oh well it just means another day closer to As sigh.... and i kind of not ready to accept the fact that i am really going to be 18 already.... wow time legit flies.. and it just feel that i just celebrated my 16th birthday... but oh well, will just allow the day to come and embrace everything that is going to come with it , good or bad :)))))

'You are the reason that i am still able to breathe. You are the reason that i am still here. You are the reason that i am still right here, continuing all for you'



//