Okay, honestly i don't even know where to start becasue i truly have ten thousand thoughts running through my head right now. I feeling rather sucky right now and i think there are many reasons that contribute to it, Before that, i was genuinely excited for orientation, and in the midst of orientation, there were various ups and downs and there were so many unexpected problems and unexpected happiness as well. Today, i am feeling so shag, so so shag. But the shag was alright you know. To be honest, if shag was the one and only feeling i have after orientation, i wont mind any bit of it at all. But today, i would say honestly for the first time around, i cannot believe what i heard today though.
After a close of three weeks and more, i finally had a talk with weiran and wow, i didn't know it was this bad lol. The first mistake i made this month was i forgotten to wish rose happy birthday.
Honestly, i remembered. With my whole heart, i remembered her birthday. But, i was rather caught with orientation (it was day3 btw, the worse day out of all 5 days) that i forgotten. So, when the group messages came in around the night, i told myself yes okay, i will be the 2359 one. YET, the moment i reached home, because i really could have a chance of saying anything, mum just took my phone away and leave me utter speechless like that. Okay, i admit that day was the latest i went back, like it was around 10plus when i reached home because of many many contributing factors omg fml seriously.
day3 was so so so fucking bad what the fuck omg
So, i couldn't text her happy birthday + i couldn't settle more shit already wth. It is so annoying on my part but mum just couldn't stop going on and on about me not studying, and i am already a j2, taking As and etc. I can tell you, everyday it is a repeating story over and over again. She is going to become my broken radio alre. I was left so speechless that i seriously don't know what to do omg fml. Like it is not even making sense to me....
When the next time i got my phone, it is already the next day & i am flooded with 200plus messages already .........
And when i saw that i already made a mistake and i don't see the point of trying to explain any further. I didnt do or say anything anymore. Until today in the afternoon. Because i was finally knocked some sense into me by weiran. It was so so sad, i couldn't believe it. But, i think why i became like that was, it is not idw to explain myself, but it was more of people not giving any two fucks about whats going on so when i don't see the point anymore, i choose to keep quiet and i guess, it backfires on me so so hard. I also don't like the fact that i am constantly going around, telling people what i have been doing and stuff, because people are fucking judgmental af and they're going to be like,'it is just a simple task and why cant she stop taking credits' fml
YOU JUST CANT FUCKING PLEASE THE WORLD OMG
Then, the days continued on, but then of course it didn't get any better because i am still going through a lot myself fuck. I asked around and stuff, and then the feedback was, 'why is she like that? why is she so loud?' lmao, mindsets that i can't changed since long long time ago. And people are saying that, i am doing redundant stuff lol. But the redundant stuff wasn't suggested by me you know. Like okay, i wanted to do it, but then zhonghng stopped me, but then later on, someone asked me to do it you know lol. so yeah, i can't lead i would say??? In conclusion i guess.
& then, weiran told me i am enjoying a super bad reputation in school, and like i am trying to associate myself with everyone + attention-seeking, or aiming to be the pop kid around lmao.........
HAHAHAHAH
idk what is funnier though, the impressions i gave or me being the ultimate loser right here.
More of being the pop kid around, i kind of know more people around is because of the different events i went through. Like ltc, i can honestly tell you i know very little people, because i wasn't focusing and i was lost af plus traumatized so so much. lmao, and guys people knowing about the confession HAHAHA. idk how they know it but i guess when you want the messages to be spread, it can happened anywhere, anytime. It is very easy to do it, effortlessly. And because of this, people are saying i am seeking for attention lmao. I don't even wanna retaliate right now i am not kidding.
And then ogl & orientation, i know more people around and that's all though. i don't deliberately make friends or associate myself with anyone though lmao wth. But oh well, weiran said it is my actions right now. I guess i am giving people the wrong impressions and wrong intentions of me lol. So, people goes to weiran and start bitching abt me to her lmao.
& oh ya, the definition of 'friend' differs so much i cannot. I consider people as friends when we actually know each other and we interact before and we acknowledged each other presence in school and stuff lmao. But then again, you know i don't stop there. I also have like good friends, close friends, and no1 closed ones that kind isn't it?? But yeah, the intentions & impressions were given out wrongly again so lmao misunderstandings was going to happen fml.
Anyway, conclusion for today was, i guess i unknowingly made myself rather high profile in school to the point that people are saying such stuff lol. People saying i am attention seeking, but i don't even going around saying hi, because i made friends through the different events i participate in that's all. People say i am being too much abt the confession, but they have no idea the trauma i had and stuff lmao. People are saying that i am loud and rude af, and yes i am going to work on that. Maybe i need to learn to shut up more and yes, genuinely be more humble and really really much more accepting towards more criticisms coming the way hahahahah much fml right now.
But because of course i cannot fucking explain myself to everyone, so yeah time to work on my actions and stuff so that impressions can be changed just maybe that 10-20% of bit.
But yeah, it has been a super sucky day the entire day, because it was literally a combination of shag + tired + sick + vexed + sian + hurting + disturbing + great deal of unhappiness in me right now so yeah.....
Okay, bye friends goodnight.
